


Worthy

by Higgies230



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Happy Ending, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-07-02 02:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgies230/pseuds/Higgies230
Summary: Soulmate AU High school AUWhen a soulmate marks their skin with ink the same design will appear on that of their other half.Dean always dreaded getting his soulmate feeling eternally guilty that some poor soul would be stuck with him. He knew what a screw up he was thanks to his dad and he didn't want to mess up anyone else's life. The plan was always to avoid any possible contact so that the person could get on with life but of course Dean wouldn't be that lucky.





	1. Luck

  Dean always dreaded his sixteenth birthday. On his sixteenth birthday he would become old enough to form one side of a soulmate bond. God forbid if his soulmate would be sixteen too because then there would be a full bond. Dean dreaded that because then he would have a soulmate, a "destined". There were several reasons why he dreaded it, one of the top ones being that he would be there for eternity feeling sorry for the poor bastard that got stuck with him. Another was that as he grew older he realised that he wasn't only attracted to the female gender making the threat of having a male soulmate very real. If that happened and his dad found out that he was a fag... well he'd be in more than a little trouble.

  Now it was here, the last day of being fifteen. January 23rd and tomorrow... he just hoped he would be one of those very rare few that never actually came across their soulmate. It wasn't because he didn't want someone to love him or care. It's just it was... well he was a hunter and that was not a life that anyone would want to be dragged into especially when it was to be trapped with him. Unless. Unworthy.

  "Dean! Dean!" it was Sammy. Looking over at the glowing digital clock on his bedside he saw that it was midnight. The 24th, his birthday, and his nerdy little brother had obviously been waiting up for it.

  Dean didn't reply however, pretending to be asleep and get his little brother to leave. He didn't want to do anything about his bond. If he wrote on his arm the person on the other side of the bond might write back and then there was more chance of finding each other. For a long while his little brother stood in the doorway just watching him while Dean kept very still and kept his breathing even. He felt bad for denying Sam, his brother was so excited, but in four years time Sam would be able to write to his own soulmate.

  He hoped that he would be one of those who's soulmate was only a platonic connection.  Those were rare but less rare than those who never met their mate. Who was he kidding though. With his luck he would get a hot boy with a huge heart just for him to ruin.

  The next morning, after a completely sleepless night, he was met by a bouncing and excited twelve year old. He asked if Dean had written to his soulmate as Dean made breakfast for his father, brother and himself. After a moment Dean answered that he had and that no one had answered. That made his face fall somewhat but then he just said it meant his soulmate was younger.

  When their dad made his way down to the kitchen it was clear that he was more than slightly drunk. His eyes were bloodshot and he staggered somewhat but it was nothing new. Sam started to tell him about Dean's soulmate but the man just looked on in disinterest before sitting heavily and digging into his food.

***

 _Hello_. The word appeared on his arm just over five months after he turned sixteen. The writing was beautiful but scary. Soulmate... hell he was in trouble. Tenth of July. That was the date. He had found the word on the inside of his left wrist when he woken up at six that morning and couldn't help but stare at it for a long while. The more he looked though the more curious he got and before he knew it he had reached over to his bedside table and grabbed a pen. 

  For a long moment he just looked at the thing and it was stupid but finally he uncapped it and pressed it to his skin below the greeting from his soulmate. **_Hi, take it your 16 today._**  Compared to his soulmate's writing his looked atrocious. Maybe that meant that they were a girl, girls were meant to have neater writing than boys. 

 _Yes and it's you're by the way._  Came the writing a minute later.

_**Yay my soulmate is a grammar Nazi** _

_Ha, sorry. You're obviously older than me so how old are you?_  The person wrote. The writing was now pretty much covering his forearm now.

 ** _I_**  he started to write but then he remembered why he had vowed not to make contact in the first place. Stupid. He was just stupid. He then began to rigorously scrub at his arm until the pen faded, he knew that it would fade on his soulmate's arm too.

 _I'm sorry. You're obv_ \- his soulmate started to scribble, it looked rushed and almost panicked but Dean scrubbed it away before the person could finish. He didn't try again.

  After that he got dressed with a long sleeved shirt even though it was summer. He couldn't risk his soulmate writing anything that anyone could see. Couldn't risk his dad seeing, he would probably beat him. John Winchester had been deeply resentful of soulmates ever since his had died all those years ago. Twelve. That was how many years it had been since his and Sam's mother had died in that fire killed by the yellow eyed demon. That was how long ago John's obsession for the demon started and how long Dean had been a failure to his father.

  No John could never find out. Sam could never never find out because he would push for Dean to find whoever they were, search for them, get excited. He couldn't let that happen because Dean never wanted to find that person, he would cut down on any little factors that would make running into them more likely. 

  That was why he continued that way with the long sleeves. He even got dressed in the shower to avoid walking down the hall with exposed skin. His soulmate seemed to be leaving him alone though and Dean hoped that maybe he or- hopefully she- had given up. Of course he was Dean Winchester so he had no such luck and it was only thirteen days later that he got a  _My name's Castiel just so you know, I am a relatively happen teenage boy who would be a lot happier if my soulmate talked to me._

  Great.


	2. Artist

  He never wrote to Castiel- or Cas as he preferred to think, it was less of a mouthful and it seemed more personal- after that first time but he no longer rubbed away Cas' words as soon as they were written and that seemed to encourage the other boy. He learnt a few things about Cas including that he had three older brothers, Gabriel, Micheal and Balthazar and a younger sister called Anna. It was quite tempting to tease his soulmate about those names but that would mean writing back. 

  Every time he was even tempted to respond he seems to have a run in with his drunk father. The bruises that he held after always reminded him that he did not deserve Cas. When he seemed to be forgetting he would just press down on one of the marks left by his dad's feet or fists. The pain would usually ground him and remind him all over. He was always glad at that point that ink was the only thing that transferred across the bond.

  One morning though he woke up and glanced down to see something other than writing on his arm.  It was the start of a drawing in ballpoint at his wrist. Dean must have watched it for about forty minutes as the lines continued climbing up his forearm. It was beautiful and he was in awe. His soulmate was amazing, he was such a talented artist. There on his skin was a perfect angel covered in ivy with spread wings and bees flying all around. He never wanted it to wash off. At that moment he felt a burst of love and affection for his soulmate which he actually struggled to squash down.

  Even after Cas had finished Dean continued to stare at it and study it. The thing was so detailed and he couldn't tare his eyes away. That was why he didn't hear it when the door opened or noticed when his brother froze in the doorway staring. In fact he didn't notice until the bed dipped and he looked up to see his brother sat there looking between Dean's arm and his face.

  For a moment neither said a thing even when their eyes met. Dean stared in horror, now Sam would never shut up. It was only the next minute that he was able to twist the fear into something resembling anger and was able to yell at his brother.

  "Get the hell out Sammy!" he yelled, pushing Sam off of the bed and pulling his sleeve down, "have you never heard of knocking!" 

  "I did Dean. You were just too busy staring at the drawing your soulmate drew. The soulmate that you told me hadn't contacted ever," Sam huffed as he pushed himself off of the floor.

  "Oh shut up Sammy and get out," Dean growled embarrassed that he had been caught looking at Cas' art.

  "It's Sam and why didn't you tell me Dean?" Sam asked quietly.

  "Don't tell Dad," was all he said before he got up and pushed past Sam to the get to the shower.

***

  They stayed in the same place over the whole summer which was nice as well as unusual. John was hunting most of the time which worked in  the boys' favour. Although whenever their dad was gone Sam would push for information about his soulmate. Every time though he shut his annoying little brother down and eventually he stopped asking.

  Cas didn't write to him over the summer once although he got several gorgeous drawings. He loved every one and desperately wanted to write just to compliment them, it soon became almost an itch. Sam finding out had made him even less inclined to make contact though. It just wasn't safe.

  Some mornings, the ones that were sadly more common, he would have a blank arm. Those days he would trace the outlines of the last drawing as he lay in bed. Later he would hate himself for it, for wanting something so selfish. Especially after he woke up after a dream about being wrapped in the arms of his faceless soulmate. He would often wonder what the boy would look like. Would he be taller or shorter than Dean? Would he have light hair or dark? Blue eyes or brown, maybe something else? He really hoped that Cas was dark haired and blue eyed. He didn't care about size or shape but he hoped, and somehow knew in his heart, that the boy would have the most beautiful eyes.

  All in all he spent most of his time daydreaming and it was so so stupid. When he was working in the garage during the day or the 24/7 cafe at night. When he was home and especially when he went to bed.

  Then the summer was over and their dad was back. Within the hour they had packed their meagre belongings into the Impala and they were off. Dean and John took it in turns to drive so that they didn't have to stop at all. It meant that by the afternoon of the next day they had reached their new home. At least John said that they would be staying a long while again while he went off hunting.

  Their new house was in Illinois and it was strangely satisfying to think that he was in the same state as his soulmate. Not that he was going to tell anyone that. Not that he was likely to see said soulmate considering twelve odd million people that lived in the state. The first night though he caught himself wishing that he might just run into Castiel. Then he had to press down hard on his latest bruise. 

  Getting ready for the first day of school he was just about to pull his flannel shirt on when he saw the neat writing  _Have a good first day_. He looked at it for a moment before deciding that once in a while wouldn't hurt  _Thanks :)_.


	3. Meet

  Dean drove them to their new school in the Impala ready for another day of boredom which would be much better spent earning money. Sam was excited though and that was something, he always was when they got to go to a school Dad had promised they'd stay a while at. 

  Dean's day started with maths. His favourite. Trudging down the rapidly emptying halls he braced himself for an hour of mind numbing boredom and pointless babble. He needed to add and subtract. He wasn't going anywhere in his life and as long as he could read, write and count he didn't see the point. Why graduate when he would never go to an employer to get a stable job. Mechanics took on people with experience and references, like him. Waiters and bartenders, cleaners and carpenters didn't need an education.

  Entering he swept an eye over the class before finding a seat near the back. That was when he spotted the dark haired boy near the middle of the class. He was gorgeous, all dressed up but rumpled like he was only making a half arsed attempt. His head too was sticking up at all angles and he had the most amazing blue eyes focused on his books. He was just Dean's type and he could only hoped that he liked guys. John was out of town, he could secretly indulge.

  The teacher entered then, a balding, stick thin man with a faded shirt. He cast his gaze over the class until he landed on Dean when he then smiled in greeting.

  "Class we have a new student today. His name is Dean Winchester. Hello my name is Mr Ren Care to tell the class a little about yourself Dean?" the teacher, Mr Ren smiled and greeted in the most typical way that a teacher ever could. A greeting that Dean had been through a million times and didn't care for in the slightest.

  "Nope. I'm good," Dean replied which got a few sniggers from the class and wiped the smile off Mr Ren's face.

  "Alright then," the teacher said put out before continuing with the class.

  Throughout Dean couldn't help but keep looking over at the dark haired boy, he hadn't caught his name as he hadn't been paying attention to the register. He was far more interesting than maths anyway. He must not have been very subtle because at the end of class as he was leaving for the next hour of boredom the boy caught his arm.

  Dean looking him over with a small smirk. He was even hotter up close. Best bit was that the boy seemed to be appreciating him in return.

  "Sorry you're the new kid Dean? I'm Castiel I was wondering if you needed any help finding places around the school," he greeted.

  As soon as the boy said his name Dean tensed up. He had to force himself to keep the smile on his face but now he knew that he wouldn't be getting in this boy's pants. How many Castiels was there and what was the chances that this wasn't his soulmate. No, he had to be. The way he was drawn to him, the way he already felt the need to touch and love. Shit. This was not how it was meant to be. He wasn't meant to meet him, especially not so early. Not when he had to stick around.

  "No you know what I think I have enough smarts to find my own way," he snapped before pulling away.

***

  That night he sat on his bed after making Sam dinner, he told his brother he'd eaten too much at lunch. The truth was he was too nervous, his guts were rolling and he couldn't stomach the thought of food. Hadn't been able to at lunch either. He had met his soulmate and probably had to stay in this school a year at least.

  Sam at least had had a good day. He chatted the whole way home about this lovely girl he had met and befriended. Her name was Jess and according to Sam she was pretty, smart and funny. Dean had told him that was great and that he was happy for him, that he would be staying so maybe he would finally get himself a proper girlfriend. That had stretched his brother's smile even further.

  Then he felt the scratching on his arm and looked down to see Cas' neat writing there.  _Hope you had a good day_. For a long while he just stared before, to his horror, tears were falling onto it. Soon he was full out sobbing and Dean Winchester did not cry. It wasn't fair. He wasn't worthy of a soulmate and the poor boy was doomed to him. Meeting him today he knew it wouldn't be a platonic connection either and now that he had met him he really wanted to get closer, it was almost a need. It wasn't fair. He made sure that he stayed quiet, it wouldn't do for Sam to walk in on him like this.

  After a long while he finally calmed down. With a shaking hand he picked up the pen. No way would he be able to not contact now. Maybe if he wrote he wouldn't feel the need to see him as much. It was like a physical ache and pull to touch bare skin even in something as simple as a handshake to seal the bond.

   _ **Yes thanks. How about I call you Cas only cause Castiel is a mouthfull**_

   _Sure :) That sounds good. Also mouthful only has one l :P_

  _ **My mistake. Hope you had a good day too.**_

  _I did thanks. Speaking of names I would really love to know yours. I'm gay so I'm assuming you're a boy but I don't even know that for sure. Except your handwriting is really scruffy..._

   _ **Well your's is really girly so there you have it**_

   _So you are a boy, that's a boy reaction. Please tell me your name, we're soulmates you can trust me with your name._

  No I can't Dean thought to himself. I can't because it's not fair and if you know my name you'll know you've already met me. With that in mind Dean threw the pen across the room. Talking to Cas had made him feel calmer and now he just wanted to scream and punch something until his knuckles broke.

  That, against logical reason, is what he did. The next day he walked into school after scrubbing the blood from the wall and Sam taping up his hands with a sad look. 

 


	4. Caught

  The next few days of school were hard. As in more so than he usually found them with the eternal bordem of classes. Because of Castiel. Since that first day the boy had been coming up to him and trying to talk, even flirting at times. One time Dean even found himself flirting back but he blamed that on who he was, the eternal flirt that flirted with anything that moved. Except he knew this was different, he hadn't even tried to score a lay yet and that was unheard of for him. It was stupid Cas who he was destined to be attracted to and yet who he had to stay away from. Not only would he be a disappointment but it would also be dangerous with John Winchester the homophobe hunter for a dad.

  It was four days after the last message from Cas asking his name when the words appeared again. Dean had been drying up at the time, Sammy in the other room doing homework when they had started to appear in that neat writing along his wrist.

  _Do you hate me?_

  Dean looked at the writing for a long moment thinking over the words. Did he hate Cas? No. No he would never hate the hot, dark haired, blue eyed, kind hearted and smart boy that was his soulmate. The very thought that Cas would think that hurt but then again Dean hadn't really given him any reason to think other wise. Time to change that. Dropping the drying up towel Dean hurried up to his room and grabbed a pen.

_**No I dont but you can do a lot better so I dont want you to think anything of this.** _

_You don't think you're good enough?_

  Dean stopped then and felt stupid. What did he go and say that for. He could have just said he wasn't ready for a soulmate or some shit but now he made it so that Cas was just going to pity him. A few  _hellos_  and  _I'm sorrys_  followed before Dean just pulled his sleeve back down, unable to look at the writing anymore.

  Later on when he took his shirt off to shower the writing was still there, a reminder of how stupid and thoughtless he was. Getting under the spray he scrubbed at his skin until the words were long gone and he was bleeding. He watched the blood swirl with the water down the drain and rested his head against the cool tiles, all his self loathing was meant to stay in his head. No one was meant to know because then they would judge him and think him weak or broken, they would see his vulnerabilities and no one could see them especially not his soulmate.

***

 He had been at the school two whole weeks and there was no doubt in his mind that Castiel Novak from his maths class was his soulmate. Who the hell else had the name Castiel Novak? Plus there was the extreme attraction and the itch to be close to the boy. He found himself staring in class and would even have to call him a friend now with the amount that Cas talked to him.

  He was sat in maths one day with Cas sat in front of him when the guy decided to start to doodle on his hand. Dean panicked slightly and covered up the hand with his other, glancing through his fingers when he felt the tingle stop to see a little bumble bee. When he looked up again he saw Cas looking back at him with a small smile and a pointed look at his hand. The Winchester felt the blood drain from his face and quickly looked down at the desk where his hands were shaking.

  At the end of class Dean hurried to pack up and leave but he didn't make it in time before Cas grabbed him. He tried to pull away but Cas held tight so instead he dragged him to the bathroom and locked the door. No way was he having that conversation in the hallway for everyone to here.

  "Look Cas. I'm not gay, I'm not interested and I don't want a friend. Probably leaving soon anyway so now that you've met me you can move on," Dean snapped.

  "Nah you're just putting off because of some self-worth issue you wrote about last week," Cas corrected making Dean's jaw jump.

  "So how'd you figure I was your soulmate?" Dean changed the subject.

  "First day you went sheet white when you heard me name plus I have never been attracted to someone like I am to you. Figured I could test a theory and well I was right," Cas shrugged.

  "Attracted to me?" Dean frowned. He guessed that he was conventional attractive but still... Cas had had many a conversation with him and still thought that he was attractive. 

  "Yeah well you are hot," Cas replied with a deep blush and Dean couldn't help a small smirk.

  "Thanks well I guess I'll be going," Dean said suddenly realising what was happening, turning he unlocked the door and moved to leave before Cas grabbed his arm again.

  "Dean wait-"

  "No Castiel stay away from me."

***

  He was finally leaving, walking across the car park alone because Sam was staying over at Jess' for dinner. That was when he was ambushed, arm grabbed for what seemed like the millionth time that day. He turned to see an incredibly short, long haired blond trailed by an embarrassed looking Castiel.

  "You Dean Winchester?" the short one asked aggressively. It would almost be funny with how short he was if it wasn't for Cas' presence and obvious relation to the boy.

  "Yeah and you are?" Dean asked in return.

  "Gabriel, Cassie's older brother," the boy replied.

  "Castiel and Gabriel huh, your parents must love you," Dean snorted trying to hide how nervous he really was.

  "You are my brother's soulmate Winchester," Gabriel glared, "you can't just push him away, he deserves better than that."

   "Look pal I'm doing this for him so back off!" Dean snapped.

  "For him!" Gabriel yelled.

  "Gabriel!" Cas yelled in protest.

  "Yeah for him, you heard me short stuff," Dean huffed.

  "God you're a real asshole," Gabriel barked back.

  "Exactly," Dean replied before storming off.

***

 After cooking dinner he retreated back to his room with the excuse that he wasn't hungry. It was true, he was full of nerves especially when _I'm sorry for my brother_  appeared on his arm. Looking down at it in the safety of his room he caressed the writing and just wished that he could touch the other boy. He wanted so bad to be friendly, to be more than friends and it hurt to think that he had to push the other away.

**_I can understand Im an older brother but you really have to stay away from me_ **

_No_

_**Yes** _

_I said no Dean. You're my soulmate and I am yours. That means that I was made for you and you were made for me. I also call bullshit on you not being gay for that reason._

**_Weve only known each other for two weeks you cant possibly know that_**

_What part of soulmates don't you get? :)_

_**Always thought I wouldn't have to meat my soulmate** _

_Meet Dean also now you have so..._

_**I'm not gonna be here long** _

_So? We can keep in contact_

_**You don't want me in your life Cas**_  Dean replied after a long moment of just mulling it over.

_Yes I do_

  Dean stopped after that. He knew he wasn't going to win but he just stared down at his arm as three  _Dean?_ s appeared on his arm before Cas seemed to finally give up and his lower arm was crammed with writing. He hated this. He hated soulmates and his life and himself. Why couldn't things be simple? Why couldn't he just be worthy enough to be happy with Cas? 

  Finally lowering the sleeve, Dean turned out the lights and tried fruitlessly to get some sleep.


	5. Mutual Trust

  Dean decided that he would skip school in order to find a job as John had skipped town two days prior and as always left an insufficient amount of cash behind. The decision was also heavily made on the fact that he almost hurled that morning at the very thought of seeing his soulmate again, a soulmate who didn't seem to be able to take no for an answer. It was a Friday so if he skipped today he didn't have to see Cas until at least Monday.

  In the end it didn't actually take long as he had a long list of previous jobs and recommendations from mechanics that he had worked for. Dean usually got jobs in local garages if he could, working with cars was one of his few real joys, but he would have settled for anything that paid. As it was he got a part time job at the garage where he would start after school on Thursday. The guy had been very friendly and welcoming, completely the opposite from the gruff lady that had been his last boss.

  It meant that he had the entire afternoon to himself and found himself remembering the place that they had last crashed at. There had been a large lake just behind their house which he and Sam had regularly swam in, he missed it. The eldest Winchester son had however heard of a woodland in the area that had good walks to go on for hours with no one and nothing about. 

  Driving there he parked up and started to walk. It didn't seem like people came there all that often if the state of disarray of the car park and paths. He hadn't really packed for a walk but it didn't matter, he was wearing worn in boots and jeans so he was at least comfortable.

  It was good to get away from it all. There was a thick layer of pine needles on the floor and the smell of them perforated the air and blanketed him in it. Shafts of light broke through the over head evergreens and the only sounds were of birds and the crunch of the needles under his feet. Yep he was definitely going to come here a lot more away from everything, away from Cas, away from his failures, away from his responsibilities.

  He had been walking for a long while when he suddenly realised that even though he skipped school he still had to pick up Sammy. A quick glance at his watch confirmed that he needed to turn back so he did, returning to everything and driving to the school.

  It was as Sammy was walking to the car that he spotted Cas and Gabriel leaving the school too. Then Cas spotted him and started to walk over. Silently praying for Sam to move those gangly legs faster, Dean slid down slightly in his seat. Finally Sam reached the car and Dean quickly started up and pulled away but not before he saw the look on Cas' face.

***

  He found that he wasn't hungry again that night. Stupid as it was because he knew he was loosing weight because of these meal skips he couldn't bring himself to even look at the meal that he plated up for Sam before he made his way back up to his room. Technically he had homework to do and that was his pretence to disappear. Of course he never did homework and he never would.

  The teen just couldn't keep that look out of his head. The hurt look that had flashed across his face as their eyes had met. God he couldn't do anything right. He would hurt Cas by being with him, he hurt Cas by staying away. Dean just didn't know what the hell he could do but all he knew was that he never in a million years wanted to see that look on that boy's face again.

   _Im sorry_ he wrote before he even realised what he was doing.

   _Dean?_

_**Im sorry I realise that all Im doing is hurting you and I realise that its to late to stay away no weve met.** _

  There was no reply for a moment and in that moment Dean panicked thinking about all of this and what the hell was going on. If Cas and him got together then Cas would be able to see first hand what a fuck up he was and so when he got fed up and told Dean to leave then the Winchester would be the only one to get hurt and when that happened he'd deserve it.

   _That's the best news I think I've ever had although it's_ too _late not to late Dean ;)_  came the reply.

***

 Monday couldn't come soon enough. The two had talked pretty much all weekend about really random and unimportant thoughts and Dean found that he loved the way that Cas' mind worked. Loved pretty much everything he knew about the boy, by pretty much he meant he didn't love the older short ass brother.

  He had just shut his locker with people pressing all around when a hand grabbed his shoulder and he quickly whipped around to face a beaming Cas. Seeing the boy in person was a lot different to just writing and he suddenly had butterflies which was stupid because he never got the. Except this was his soulmate so he thought that he was allowed.

  "So..." Cas started.

  "Hey," Dean replied somewhat lamely after Cas had trailed off. "How about we meet up after school."

  That had Cas smiling brightly, it was beautiful and Dean just wanted to kiss him but they were surrounded by pupils and Dean wasn't even sure if he was ready. Instead he looked down at the shorter boy and contemplated what move to make. It was kind of funny to think of him like that as Cas on his own normally stood above most in height but still Dean was taller.  In the end he just made the leap and pulled Cas in for a hug. The boy melted into him immediately and Dean was able to feel his warmth and smell his smell, it was wonderful.

  "I wasn't lying about not being gay though," Dean murmured in Cas' ear.

  "But you're my soulmate," Cas stated quietly, reluctant as Dean to let go it seemed.

  "Yeah no I'm bi. I just wanted you to know I wasn't lying. Mutual trust and all. Can't start this thing by lying on day one now can we," Dean stated, pulling away and smirking back at his grinning soulmate as he made his way to class.


	6. A Date

  Dean couldn't help but be excited all day. He didn't actually have any classes with Cas so in a way it made the nerves and the excitement worse with not being able to at least check on the boy. As ever he skipped the lunch hall not wanting to waste any of his and Sam's precious money on his lunch so he didn't see his soulmate then either. He couldn't quite believe that this was happening, that he was going to meet up with such a hot, kind and smart boy that was  _his_. No he mustn't think like that. Cas wasn't his, all this was was something to prove that the dark haired boy wouldn't want him. After that thought he was just nervous.

  When the last bell finally rang Dean didn't exactly rush as the other pupils pushed past him on their way out. When he did reach the entrance Cas was already waiting for him smiling shyly at Dean. The taller boy shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded his head in the direction of his car with a small smile of his own. Sam was staying over at Jess' tonight and her parents were picking him up from school and dropping him off at home so Dean didn't have to worry about him, one reason why he asked for today.

  As the two strode across the car park and got into the Impala Cas' smile never left his face. When the car purred to life Dean felt the blue eyed gaze burning into him, turning his head with a raised eyebrow he took in the other's besotted expression and quickly turned away again. Focusing in the road instead Dean tried to quash the fear at such an expression. He hadn't earned that look, he never would, he didn't deserve such a look.

  "Your car is beautiful," Cas said instead of anything else to break the silence.

  "Thanks. I got Baby for my sixteenth but my dad owned her since before I was born so she was always there. I looked after her since I was a boy so she's special," Dean smiled because he couldn't help it, he loved this damn car.

  "Baby?" Cas sniggered so Dean reached over and smacked his shoulder without looking.

  "She's special, she's my baby," Dean replied with a smile. 

***

  He took Cas to a diner where he had thought about maybe getting a second job. They both ordered and sat silently as they waited for their food. It was kind of awkward but Dean didn't know what to say, he never dated and this was a date. Normally he would turn on the charm and sleep with a girl and occasionally a boy, he never had time to date. Never wanted to date with how much they moved around, there was just no point.

  When their food arrived there was an excuse not to talk, eating instead. Dean finished before Cas because he is a pig and he couldn't help but watch the other eat until the pale boy went red and offered a shy smile. In the end when they had both finished Dean paid, Cas protested but Dean physically shoved him out of the door and back to the car.

  Although he didn't date he still knew that some kind of romantic gesture usually went over well and seeing as Cas was his soulmate he wanted their first date to be special. That was why he decided to take him to the woods, he already loved it there, it was calm, peaceful and private. It was romantic sharing a place like the woods of that he was sure.

  They drew up in the car park and started walking through trees. For the first few moments neither said a word, just enjoyed the serenity. Cas was looking all around him at the nature and Dean watching him, unable to shake how beautiful he was. When they did start talking though it turned out to be surprisingly easy.

  They spoke about their families first. Cas and his siblings how he never was really close with any of them except for Gabriel and even then the boy annoyed him. Balthazar was the brother before him but he was very "flamboyant" as Cas put it and always looked down on him. The eldest Micheal pretended that Balthazar and Cas didn't exist and Anna worshipped Michael. Their father was often away working and Gabriel was the one that pretty much raised Cas because their mother died giving birth to his sister. Dean had nodded at that and said that he pretty much raised his brother too although he didn't really mention his parents.

  After that they came across a patch of flowers with bees flying around it. That was when Cas went off on a rant about them and it was clear how much he loved them. Dean thought back to the little bees that Cas had drawn on him several times, it was cute. Cas was cute. His soulmate was a cutie and he was Dean's if Dean could keep him. He suddenly hoped that he could hold on to the boy but then he knew he was being stupid; that would never happen. In fact wasn't Dean trying to prove he was a worthless asshole? 

  He didn't know what he was doing anymore

***

  That night when he got home Sam had teased him for his "love-heart eyes" so he had just flipped him off. He'd smiled to himself as he'd seen the goodnight on the inside of his wrist before writing one in return.

  He knew it was stupid but he really needed his brother not to know who his soulmate was or have any inkling that Cas meant anything to him. There was also that ingrained fear of being outed as liking dudes as well although again that seemed pointless but he just couldn't help it. These were the reasons why the next day in school Dean completely ignored his soulmate. He hated being that guy, the guy with two faces. The hurt look on Cas' face when he greeted Dean and the hunter just walked on haunted him.

  _What the hell was that today Dean?_  He got that evening just after he finished dressing from his shower.

_**I cant really explain it other than I really dont want my brother to assossiate you with me at all** _

   _Why? and it's associate btw_

_**I just told you I cant explain and as adorable as the correcting was at first please stop** _

  _Sorry, you think I'm adorable?_

_**Wow your easy to deter** _

_Shut up Dean_

**_No_**

   _Yes_

_**No you cant even hear me right now :P** _

_I hate you_

_**Yeah like I believe that** _

_So when can we next meet up?_

_**Who says we'll meet up again?** _

   _The fact that we're having a communication through writing on our skin and it magically transferring_

_**Smart ass**_

_So when?_

_**I'm working saturday so is sunday cool?**_

_Can't wait_

_**Sap** _

_Yeah like you're not_

_**Night Cas**_

_Night Dean_


	7. Firsts

  Sunday was amazing. It was even better than the last date because they could have the entire day, Dean picking Cas up at ten and dropping him back at seven. That was nine whole hours of just him and his soulmate and he loved it. Cas seemed to love it too, in fact the blue eyed boy had actually asked to go back to the woods. 

  They managed to get a lot further in than last time and found a clearing that was almost sickeningly romantic. Of course Dean complained about it but he secretly loved it, or not so secretly if Cas' expression was anything to go by. It was in that clearing that the two of them lay down in silence just letting the sun wash over them and warm them. As he lay there he couldn't help but keep glancing over at his soulmate who was looking up at the blue sky and watching the wisps of clouds drift above them. 

  He was so beautiful in that moment and Dean just wanted to kiss him. He had never kissed a boy before, probably some weak excuse to deny his sexuality. Although technically he had excepted that he was bisexual he had never gotten into a relationship with a guy, only ever had girlfriends, only kissed girls. Sure he had fucked boys, been fucked, given and received hummers but there was something more intimate about kissing and he had never done it, never wanted to do it, with a dude. Until now that was.

  It must have been about ten minutes of debate before Dean decided to take action because fuck it, this was his soulmate. With that reasoning he swung himself over Cas until he was straddling the other boy with his forearms bracketing his head.

  "Hey," Cas said quietly, gazing up at him with a mixture of excitement and love that made Dean feel warm inside.

  "Hey," he replied quietly before bringing a hand up and caressing the boy's face. It was almost ridiculous how much he felt for the blue eyed boy beneath him, "I want to kiss you."

  "I would love that," Cas said after a moment, his smile only widening.

  With that, Dean lent down and kissed him. At first it was chaste but Dean swiped his tongue across Cas' lips, Cas opened up and then they were properly making out in the middle of the clearing. It was almost stupidly romantic; his first kiss with his soulmate in the middle of a woodland, in the middle of a clearing with grass and meadow flowers all around. It was amazing and hot and Dean was so incredibly attracted to this guy.

  That attraction soon made itself obvious and Dean found himself unconsciously grinding down against the other boy. It was when he felt Cas' hard on against his own that he really realised what was going on. Pulling back he smirked down at the other who was blushing furiously.

  "Don't tell me you're a virgin," Dean teased as he kissed along Cas' jaw and down his neck, nipping at the skin there.

  "Actu-actually I- I am," Cas stuttered.

  Dean pulled back with a furrowed brow and looked down to see that boy's cheeks even redder than before. Virgin? He hadn't expected that, especially with how sexy the other was. Then he found himself glad, glad that he would be Cas' first. He felt oddly... possessive.

  "Surely not. You're are way to hot to still be a virgin," Dean grinned down at his soulmate.

  "Yeah well..." Cas trailed off, his face becoming impossibly redder still.

  "It's... do you want to stop then?" Dean asked. He found that he really wouldn't mind either way, he just wanted whatever Cas wanted.

  "I... no. This place is beautiful and peaceful. Much better place to loose your virginity than some school loo like a lot of teens do," Cas replied with a small smile.

  "Yeah I think that might be where I lost mine," Dean grinned.

  "How romantic," Cas laughed.

  "So if we are going to do this... do you want to top or bottom?" Dean asked.

  "What do you usually do?" Cas asked somewhat awkwardly.

  "Both. Why it doesn't matter to me whatever you want to do," Dean replied.

  "I... I- top please. I don't think I'd- having a penis up my ass seems daunting," Cas stuttered.

  "Feels good so don't bash it though sticking it in also feels good. Win win really," Dean grinned wickedly while going back to kissing down his soulmate's neck.

  "I um we- wow we're doing this... now... okay I right, do you have stuff? I mean don't you have to have l-lube and stuff," Cas stuttered and Dean couldn't help but laugh against the boy's neck because he was just so adorable.

  "Hey this won't be the first time I have used just spit," Dean reassured.

  "Right. Um is it okay if we stop talking about what you've done before. I mean I know you've slept with other people but it's just weird you know," Cas rushed.

  "Yeah, right sorry. I- just lets take clothes off. Get naked you," Dean grinned. Slut. Worthless. He quickly shut those thoughts out, he would make Cas feel good.

  Dean got off of his soulmate and watched as he stipped his shirt revealing a mouthwatering set of abs. It was when he saw the flawless pale skin that he realised that he couldn't take off his own shirt; he had too many unexplainable scars. So instead he just watched with his lip caught between his teeth as Cas' hand faltered at his trousers. Dean smiled encouragingly and Cas visibly swallowed continued until he was kneeling there completely bare in the grass.

  The green eyed boy let his eyes roam easily over the hot ass body before him. Cas was just there bare and hard before him and Dean was straining against his own trousers so he stripped those off and crawled towards the other. Were they boyfriends? Probably. Maybe. Didn't matter they were going to do it anyway.

  "I'm going to make you feel so good," Dean promised before he pushed Cas onto his back.

  He started with a blowjob, something he had perfected over the years. The entire time he watched his soulmate through his eyelashes and Cas kept his eyes until he threw his head back and scrunched them shut. He stretched himself while he worked Cas before quickly moving up and seating himself.

  "Oh God," Cas gasped, reaching up to grab Dean's hips.

***

  Dropping Cas back off he felt so over the moon. The boy was grinning like a love sick puppy and Dean guessed he was too. Well they were love sick, the pair of them but it was okay because they were soulmates and Dean was allowed to love him even if he wasn't worthy of Cas' love in return. 

  "Take it we are boyfriends," Dean said as they sat in the Impala outside Cas' house. 

  "Course dumb ass," Cas grinned.

  "Well I can tell you that you're my first one of those," Dean confessed with a small smile.

  "Good," Cas beamed before kissing him quickly and getting out of the car, calling "see you tomorrow" before closing the car door behind him. 


	8. Broken

 That night Dean got home and punched the wall until his knuckles bled and then some. By the time he'd finished his knuckles were more than just bruised; they were clearly broken. Falling down to the ground against the wall he hung his head between his knees and breathed through the pain. It wasn't fair, he wasn't meant to have met Cas, he certainly wasn't meant to have fallen in love with him. Dean knew it was destiny for Cas to be his true love and all that mushy bullshit but he just hadn't really expect to actually have to go through it, he'd thought that he'd be able to just hide and run.

  It was all too late now because he had fallen for his soulmate and by the looks of it Cas returned those feelings for whatever misguided reason. Hell he had just had the best sex of his life, he had given in and kissed him and slept with him in a bloody meadow under the sun and he had confirmed with Cas that they were boyfriends. It was all so happy and perfect. It wasn't fair.

  Dean was a hunter and that meant that he would have to leave, it meant that he would have to leave Cas. He led a dangerous life and he would never be able to include his soulmate, it would mean that he would never be able to see the boy again. They could never have a proper relationship anyway because if John Winchester ever found out that Dean had found his soulmate then Dean would certainly get a beating. If John ever found out that Cas was a boy then he would probably kill both of them. 

  There was also the fact that Cas didn't deserve him. Sure he knew that he was a good lay, that was down to practice, something that had upset Cas anyway. He was good looking, that was something he knew as well, but Cas was even hotter with his eternally scruffy dark hair and bright blue eyes. Dean didn't have anything besides that but Cas did, Cas was brilliant, clever, kind, even funny to an extent. He had the best smile ever.

  It was on the floor of his room with his bloodied and broken knuckles that Sam found him hours later. Dean had heard the door open but he didn't have to even look up. It was either his brother or his father, at that moment he almost hoped that it would be John because then he would get a beating for being weak rather than his brother's pity and worry. Of course he was Dean Winchester though so there wasn't such a thing of luck and there Sam was coming towards him and kneeling in front of him.

  It was as Sam gingerly lifted Dean's broken hand that the older brother finally looked up just in time to see Sam surveying the wall where Dean knew there would be an interesting pattern in his blood. Despite that he couldn't bring himself to say anything to his brother, too caught up in his own stupid, pointless self pity. Even as Sam looked back down at Dean's hand he didn't say anything. The younger Winchester definitely knew just how much damage there was because of all their training and it certainly showed on his face as he looked sadly down at the wreck.

  "Come on Dean I need to get this strapped up," Sam said finally before pulling Dean up and leading him off to the bathroom.

  With Dean sat on the closed toilet lid, Sam pulled out the medical supplies and deftly tended to Dean's hand. All the while the two were silent but Dean could tell that Sam's mind was running over time with it all. It wasn't fair for Sam to see him like this, he was twelve and Dean was meant to be the big brother that looked after him. He wasn't really being that now, right now he was broken all because of a stupid crush on someone that was so far out of his league, someone that had the misfortune to be stuck with him. Sam should never have to see this.

  "Why... why um did you um you know," Sam stuttered, gesturing at Dean's hand.

  "No reason Sammy don't worry about me," Dean sighed, going to push himself up off of the seat only to have Sam push him back down.

  "Don't bullshit Dean," Sam huffed.

  "Langue Sammy," Dean teased. 

  "Seriously Dean,  is it because of your soulmate?" Sam pressed hitting the nail right on the head.

  "Soulmate Sammy?" Dean played dumb.

  "Yes Dean, I did walk in on that drawing remember," Sam huffed.

  "Oh yeah," Dean muttered.

  He looked down at his hand and tried to think of what to say next. Maybe he had an argument through writing. All he knew was Sam could never know that he had actually met his soulmate, that the shaggy pre-teen had probably passed him in the corridor. He would make it so much more complicated and Dean didn't need that.

  "Just a domestic across god knows how many states," Dean said to his hands.

  "You... are you ever going to find your soulmate? Or try, I mean do you even know her name?"

  Her name... God of course Sam thought that Cas would be a girl. What the hell name should he say, there was no way that he could tell Sam that his soulmate was a boy. Sam would definitely see him as less then but what name.

  "Cassie. Her name is Cassie," Dean replied, it was close enough.

  "That's a really nice name. So when are you planning to meet her?" Sam asked.

  "I'm not," Dean told him quickly before shoving past Sam.

  Back in the safety of his room Dean grabbed a pen. His swollen fingers curled painfully around it and it was more than a little bit of a struggle to write, he just knew that he had to speak to Cas. He'd just taken the boy's virginity, he couldn't disappear now for fear of being the biggest dick ever.

_**I hope your ok man. I had a great time today hope you did to.** _

   _God your grammar Dean! Yes I had a great time, thank you being so understanding. You were amazing._

   _ **Good im so glad**_

  Dean looked down at the writing, his being more stilted and scruffy than usual, and couldn't help but laugh. What a vanilla conversation about  Cas having sex for the first time, it was almost- definitely- absurd. To Dean at least.                                                                                                                                                                                        


	9. Messing Up

  It was a Monday and Dean strolled into the school, Kelly quickly falling into place beside him. Kelly was this leggy blond that was exactly the type that he would usually be trying to get into bed, the kind of girl that usually easily let him. Indeed the only reason why Kelly was walking with him now was because she was less than subtle in what she wanted. It was Dean's fault really, she had been the first girl that he had flirted with when he had arrived.

  The girl greeted him and grinned and he couldn't help but return it and let him even as she slipped a hand around his elbow. It didn't mean anything, not to him at least, so he let her as they walked down the corridor together towards his locker. Of course that was when Cas decided to round the corner and see them. The hurt look on his soulmate's face lasted only a second before it was smoothed over but that seemed almost worse than the actual hurt.

  "Hey um I just need to talk to him for a sec so excuse me," Dean told Kelly, pulling away and jogging to catch up with Cas.

  He grabbed the boy's arm and pulled him off to the side, biting subconsciously at his lip with the nerves. His knuckles were still bruised and bandaged and there were nerves making his stomach roil which was quite frankly stupid because he was Dean Winchester. Then again thus was Cas and Cas was his soulmate, the most beautiful human to ever grace the earth. 

  "Hey man look just for the record I flirted with girls like that at first cause, surprisingly, I wasn't really banking on finding my soulmate. Just means that they hang on, it doesn't mean anything to me and it ain't going anywhere at all," Dean assured Cas who was looking up at him almost desperately. 

  "Thank you Dean. I'm sorry and my insecurities are probably putting you off, you're just so beautiful and anyone with eyes would want you and there's me and yeah..." Cas trailed off awkwardly.

  "There's you?" Dean asked incredulously. Sure he knew objectively that he was a pretty boy- it had got him laid plenty- but Cas to doubt. Hell they couldn't go into this in the middle of the school halls.

  "Yeah," Cas replied simply, waving a hand over himself.

  Leaning in, Dean said into the other's ear the only thing that he thought could even slightly lessen Cas' worries while being reminded of their current environment, "next time I get you lone I will show you just how sexy I think you are."

  Pulling back he smirked at the violent blush that coloured Cas' cheeks and neck. With one last parting smile he began to walk away. It was only then that he realised although he may have reassured the other boy he had also strayed far from his original Cas plan. He was messing everything up lately including just last night when he had allowed his baby brother to find him broken on the floor and then patch him up. The guilt from that was still pretty fresh.

  He had taken the poor boy's virginity the same day as the incident with Sam, fucked him in a field just the day before. Sure he had tried to make it as good as possible for the blue eyed boy but it was still with him. Really he knew that in Cas' mind losing his V card to his soulmate was the best way to do it but this was Cas who still doesn't really know Dean. Won't ever really get to know Dean. He had planned to tell Cas that they should stop this while they were ahead because Dean would probably be leaving soon but no he had to go and make promises.

  Needless to say he didn't really take in much of what the teacher was saying in history. Usually it was one of his favourite subjects, he already knew so much history and law on monsters that it was actually nice to get some on humans for a change. The subject was miles better than maths at any rate but that wasn't saying much- although there was a ridiculously hot boy with scruffy hair and a unique fashion sense that made the class a hell of a lot more bearable. Right then though it didn't matter, he was just to stuck in his head, he was almost glad that Cas wasn't there. His soulmate... boyfriend.

  Lunch a few periods later was fun. Fun was definitely the word even though Dean was having a mini freak out again. Cas had ambushed him in the hallway, nervous but with a determined look before he pulled Dean into the nearest bathroom and locked the door.

  "I'm not going to worship you here Cas but I can certainly do something," Dean grinned, crowding into his soulmate's space.

  "W-worship?" the other stuttered slightly.

  "Yeah worship you, kiss and lick and lavish your entire body," Dean muttered so close to Cas' ear that his lips brushed the shell and allowed his to feel when the other shuddered against him.

  "Oh um I was going to ask about your hand but um oh God mmm," Cas replied flustered, hands clenching into the front of Dean's shirt.

  The statement made him do a double take, he had forgotten that Cas- being his soulmate- was cosmically obliged to want him further than sex. It was a strange moment followed by another as he registered Cas' concern... concern for him and his well being.

  "Oh my hand, punched a wall," Dean confessed, pulling back so he could see Cas' face.

  "Why?"

  "Because I really hate maths," Dean told him, pulling a face. Weave the lies with truth to make them more believable just like his dad had taught him.

  It worked though because it had Cas giggling against him, the slightly shorter boy resting his forehead against Dean's chest until he quietened. It was then looking down that Dean saw his previous words about body worship seemed to have worked judging by the tent in Cas' trousers.

  "Can't have you leaving this room like that now Cas," Dean teased pointedly.

  Cas blushed and stuttered, "you don't have to."

  "Do, I'd be failing my duties as a boyfriend," Dean grinned, making Cas grin back in return with a look of love that made Dean's heart clench.

  Dropping to his knees Dean got to work. Really it was the least that he could to in return for Cas' company.


	10. John's home

  Dean never did get around to telling Cas they had to stop. He never got around to telling him that there was no point in this because he would probably be leaving soon. Instead, the two boys went on dates, made out, had sex, chatted, laughed, done everything that normal teenage couples did and it was wonderful. Dean didn't want it to stop, even went as far as to put his dad out of his mind. He tried to forget about monsters and hunting and the yellow-eyed demon. To be honest he did a good job of it- oh how his dad would beat him if he knew.

  Sam kept on giving him these looks every morning, little smirks over his cereal. One time Dean actually asked why and got the simple response "heart eyes". In all it probably meant that it was a good thing that his little brother had seen his contact with his soulmate cause otherwise he would probably be being bombarded by questions.

  It was a Tuesday night about two months into their stay and two months since Dean met Cas that John returned. As ever after a hunt- particularly a long one like this- he stumbled in drunk, keys clattering against the side and boots clunking heavily down the hall. One look from Dean sent Sam slinking up the stairs as the elder Winchester son stood to greet his father.

  "How'd you fuck up this time?" John snarled, words only slightly garbled, as he set eyes on Dean.

  "Not in any way that I know of sir," Dean replied quietly. His heart was beating hard in his chest as if John would see through his lie because how much more could he fuck up than meeting and falling in love with his very male soulmate.

  "Yeah like that's likely," John slurred as he stumbled closer to Dean.

  The boy tried not to flinch away as his father raised his arm but all that happened was John pushed him to one side. After regaining his balance Dean looked around to see the man already passed out on the sofa, snoring already starting. Kneeling in front of him, Dean arranged his dad on his side in a way so that if he threw up he wouldn't choke before pulling off his boots and draping the comforter on the back of the sofa over the man's prone form.

  Once that was done Dean simply turned and made his way up the stairs feeling like he was underwater. John was home, that meant that they would be leaving soon, maybe in the morning, and he would have to leave Cas behind. He knew that this was always going to happen but now it was happening it really hit him.

  He loved Cas. He wanted Cas, needed him even. Leaving him would break his heart... it would also make the blue eyed boy's future immeasurably brighter. Maybe it was for the best that this happened now rather than later before poor Cas could get more attached to his fake persona. 

  Didn't stop it all from hurting though. As soon as he got to his room he threw himself down on his bed and grabbed the pen that lived on his bedside table. The tip hovered above the exposed skin of his arm for a moment as Dean hesitated before he finally swallowed down the nerves and wrote.

  _ **Dads home. May well be leaving in the morning.**_

  There was a long pause and Dean thought that maybe Cas could be asleep even if it was only ten at night. That pause felt like an eternity to Dean who was fidgeting on the covers, staring down at his arms and waiting. What would Cas' reaction be? Would he be relieved? No, no he wouldn't be relieved, Cas wasn't a great actor that was for sure, the way that the other boy looked at Dean was real. Would Cas refuse to answer now? Would he want to keep in contact through ink even though he wouldn't be there? The thoughts bubbled around in his head until finally another line was drawn out beneath his own writing.

  _Can we meet up now then?_

   _ **No Cas im sorry. if dad caught us wed both be dead**_

   _Then what are we supposed to do_

   _ **Hope that maybe I dont go tomorrow**_

_Dean I cant just do that_

_**Sure you can buddy, i promise itll be ok. we can always write and you can draw those pics that are just so beautiful**_

_Not the same Dean. I love you, you need to know that._

That made Dean pause. Cas loved him. Of course he did, he was Dean's soulmate and he was programmed to love him. Problem was that Dean loved Cas too, it wouldn't be okay when Dean left and it wouldn't matter if they wrote because it wouldn't be the real thing.

_**I love you too** _

   _Good. Do you know what we could do then_

_**What we r going to is not meet up. If i leave tomorrow then I leave and we ll have to go from there** _

   _Okay. I hope that you don't go_

  After that there was silence, or rather no more writing. Dean changed into his night wear and pulled the long sleeves down over his arms to cover the writing that he just couldn't bring himself to rub off. It was dangerous sure to leave the evidence with John in the house but if he was to leave tomorrow he wanted something of Cas there with him.

***

  He had had his pay check only a few days before which meant that he could afford the food that he put into the breakfast that morning. The eldest boy was just finishing the bacon with Sam sat at the table when John came groggily into the kitchen. The pair stopped and watched the other man who looked worse for wear. He had at least a week's worth of stubble on his jaw and smelt like he definitely needed a shower, it was also painfully obvious that he was hung over.

  "Hey Dad how was the hunt?" Dean asked in greeting.

    John grunted in return and slumped down in the chair before pulling a plate of food towards him. He was half way through when he looked back up at the boys and spoke.

  "Gonna be staying a while longer boys so no packing. I'll be off again in about a week," he gruffly announced.

  It was probably the best thing Dean had ever heard and as soon as it was reasonable for him to disappear he ran up to his room and grabbed the pen.

  _ **False alarm. your stuck with me a while longer :)**_

 


	11. Bruises and Reminders

  Greeting Cas at school that day was the best thing ever, the blue eyed boy rushed up to him in the corridor and it mattered to neither of them that there was students every where as they collided into a strong hug. As soon as he drew back, Dean manoeuvred them so that he had a hand between Cas' shoulder blades and guided him down the corridor.

  He was aware of the huge grin on the other's face and it took a lot for him to keep his face from matching that. They had maths first so as soon as Dean grabbed his books from his locker they made their way there. He had never been this dedicated to school in his life. He actually came to school he now even did his homework since Cas had given him a look the first time he had told his teacher that he hadn't done it. Sure his grades still weren't good but then they never would be, he just wasn't that smart.

  Lunch came and Dean brought Cas out around the back of the school. There they had privacy to make out for a while although it didn't get any further than that because they sat back against the wall, shoulder to shoulder. There was silence for a while and Dean took the opportunity to just bask in Cas' presence.  Just last night he had been convinced that he would never see the boy again but here they were, sure that moment would come- probably sooner than later- but for the moment he was there.

  "I... when you do go what will we do?" Cas said after a while.

  "Just write I guess," Dean replied quietly, the thought not really one he wanted to consider.

  "Then when we leave school and everything we can get back together and get a house, a dog, bee hives, kids some day," Cas smiled off dreamily.

  Dean was silent, he had no answer to that. When he left he would never come back to Cas no matter how much he might want to. Hearing Cas' plan for their future tugged at his heart, especially the bot about the bees. It would never happen though, Dean was a hunter, hunters didn't settle down, they didn't live happy lives with their soulmates, have dogs or kids. Maybe Cas could  find that with someone else, he could be happy in that life with another man that wasn't a danger and a screw up.

  "Dean?" Cas asked breaking him out of his thoughts. The Winchester looked up and saw the concern in his soulmates expression.

  "Yeah no that sounds amazing. Just thinking about it," Dean lied, there was no point in crushing Cas' dream right now.

***

  It was that evening that Dean was reminded why he needed to stay away. John was drunk, again, and getting progressively drunker. Dean had sent Sam up to his room hours ago after dinner was all finished with, he never liked to have his brother around their father when he was like this. Hell Dean never liked to be around their father when he was like this but he had to be, he had to watch out for him at his most vulnerable.

  "Get me another beer," John slurred from the table.

  Glancing up Dean stood and went over to the fridge only to find that the empty bottle in his father's hands was the last of the beer. Crap. He was going to be in trouble now.

  "There's no more sir," Dean told him quietly.

  John looked up at him then, he still had scruff on his jaw and his eyes were bloodshot from the alcohol, all in all he looked more than slightly terrifying. Gritting his teeth in a snarl, the man stood and strode slowly, dangerously over to where his eldest stood. Dean tried to stay where he was knowing that if he showed fear then it would just be worse, just give his father more ammunition.

  "No more? You're that goddamn useless that you can't even properly stock that damn fridge! One job Dean! One! While I slave away to keep a roof over your head, food in your ungrateful belly! I am the one that keeps the monsters away and you can't even do the groceries!" John yelled, spit flying in Dean's face.

  Then John hit him, hard in the side to the point where he knew he would have a bruise. Then he did it again and again. Dean was knocked back, arms over his face in protection as the blows landed again and again until he stumbled and tripped, falling to the floor. That didn't stop John though, instead he just kept kicking and kicking.

  "Can't even protect yourself! Just worthless! How are you supposed to protect your brother if you can't even protect yourself! Worthless! Useless! Look at you just lying down there!" John screamed at him.

  Eventually it stopped and John staggered off. It was probably ten or so minutes before Dean stumbled up to his feet and up the stairs to the bathroom the whole while painfully aware that Sam would have heard that. He didn't want his brother to have heard that, he tried to keep his flaws from his Sammy, liked the way the boy looked at him like he hung the moon. Fake. That was what he was.

  Closing the door, Dean stripped off his shirt and assessed the damage. Bruises littered his ribs to the point where the wasn't much skin that had not coloured, it hurt to breath but it was clear that none of his ribs had been broken. Small blessings. John, as ever, hadn't actually hit his face so it would be a simple job of covering this up. It was strange really, the only reason that Dean had ever covered the bruises before had been to keep social services away but now he had to do it to hide this from Cas. The bruises were like a physical representation of his flaws and failures and he couldn't by any means let the other boy see them.

 


	12. It's Nothing Cas

  It was two days after John last hit him that he had his next "date" with Cas. He tried not to call them that even in his head because it seemed such a menial word, perhaps it was just a bit too lovey dovey, despite any reason though his mind always supplied him with it. This time he was truly nervous because ever since Dean had taken Cas' virginity every date had ended in sex.

   They had tried out a lot, Dean teaching Cas and Cas finding out that he preferred to top- which was more than fine by Dean because he was good at it- also after the first couple of times he had taken his shirt at Cas' insistence. He had looked over Dean's scars, trailing his fingers over the raised skin and occasionally kissing one, all with a sad look in his eyes. The hunter lied, explaining that a couple of years ago he had got into street fighting to get extra money, Cas had taken it and no more was said. 

  Tonight would be different however because this time with the first time that Dean would be covered in bruises. He was tender as it was and it would be hard to hide his winces when they were pressing against each other, he was dreading the questions Cas would throw his way if he refused to take off his shirt.

  Sighing, Dean thumped his head down against the steering wheel as he tried to gear himself up to actually turn the key in the ignition and leave the driveway. Tightening his grip until his knuckles were white he finally started up and drove off. Every turning he made he had to talk himself out of just turning back; he couldn't stand Cas up, that would be just cruel. 

  Pulling up outside Cas' house Dean found that his hands were shaking and it was so stupid because he was Dean Winchester and he didn't have shaking hands. God this was what Cas did to him, his soulmate, he worried about what he would think of him, he worried if he made Cas happy, worried that Cas was okay and that Cas wanted to be around him. John would say that was him being weak and he would be right of course but Dean couldn't help it... this was his soulmate the one that he was meant to love. Then again John thought love was weakness but Dean had to disagree; Dean loved Sam and Sam was his strength.

  "Hey," Cas greeted as he opened the door and slid in, pulling Dean from his thoughts.

  Of course he had come out so quickly, the Impala wasn't exactly quiet and her beautiful purr was definitely distinctive. It didn't matter, better than being sat there waiting.

  "Hi," Dean smiled, leaning over and pecking Cas on the lips.

  "Doing the usual?" the blue eyed boy asked.

  "If you want," was Dean's reply.

  "Yeah, definitely," the other returned enthusiastically.

  Dean couldn't help but smile at the goofy boy that he had been tied to by fate. He was such a happy soul and he made Dean happy- made him a better person? The eldest sure hoped so.

  They drove to the diner and ordered their usual. These days their meal was nothing like the first where it was almost completely silent. Now they chatted and laughed and joked, smiling even when they were eating and it was perfect. Even today when Dean found that he couldn't truly relax he still joined the conversation- today one about the threat of wasps to bees. It wasn't like he could really contribute much to that but the occasional stifled laugh.

  Then it was time to pay and leave, head off to the forest. Cas had drawn him those trees and clearings and general life so many times. Dean had woken up to the ink winding up his arm and it never failed to bring a smile to his face, made this place even more special than it was anyway. Even if today was going to be tough.

  As soon as they pulled up and left the Impala Cas grabbed his hand and wove his fingers through Dean's. They smiled to each other and Cas pressed a kiss to Dean's lips before they continued to make their way to their clearing. It was a track that they could probably tread blindfolded by now and it was all their's. Their special place.

  It was odd having something that was just his outside of Baby, that was something that Sam shared the benefits of too. Cas was all his, Cas was a secret that he got to keep close to his heart.

  Once they got to the clearing Cas was on him and Dean couldn't help but reciprocating. Things were getting steamy and Cas' hands were running up and down Dean's sides, fingers were pressing into bruises that he didn't know existed. The eldest Winchester was having a hard time keeping from flinching away or making a noise but suddenly Cas' hand was clutching over Dean's ribs under his shirt and he couldn't help but gasp and pull away.

He couldn't look up at Cas as he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck in embarrassment. He could feel Cas' eyes on him and could sense the questions brewing. Great now he'd screwed up again and Cas would see the bruises or at least hear about them and he could know about Dean's weaknesses showing through his skin.

"Dean what was that?" Cas asked after a moment of silence.

"Nothing Cas, let's get back to it hey," Dean said, looking up at Cas with a strained smirk.

"No Dean why did you flinch away? Are you hurting?" Cas pressed, he moved forward and grabbed Dean's arm before he could move away.

"No, just a little bruise, you just pressed on it," Dean told him.

"Let me see," Cas asked quietly.

"No," Dean told him quickly, trying to pull away. Shit! No, no this was not how... he wasn't meant to see. He wasn't meant to ask or even care. Pathetic. He shouldn't have flinched, he should have been stronger. This is just what he got.


	13. I Love You

This was just not meant to be how it went, Dean was meant to distract Cas, make him feel good and not notice anything. Of course he wasn't that lucky though and now here he was, he felt his chest tightening as the irrational- definitely irrational because Cas couldn't leave him right? He was Dean's soulmate- fear took hold.

"Dean breath," Cas said, suddenly right there framing Dean's face with his hands and leaning in.

Hell he was panicking, he was weak in front of his soulmate. What the hell was Cas going to think now, he was going to be disgusted and disappointed especially when he saw the bruises. As soon as he thought that it seemed that he had stopped breathing all together, in the next second though he was clasping at Cas' shirt and following his breathing to calm his own.

"There you go, let me get this," Cas said quietly in his ear, pressing close and stoking his back as he pulled the t-shirt over Dean's head.

Stepping back Cas gasped as he took in the multi coloured skin that covered Dean's torso. The green eyed boy crossed his arms over his chest and hunched in on himself, avoided the blue eyed gaze. Embarrassed. He Dean Winchester was embarrassed. Pathetic.

"Who did this Dean?" Cas asked, fingers trailing over the brushing over the blemishes until Dean flinched away.

"No one, please Cas just... lets just get off okay," Dean moved closer again so that Cas couldn't get a good look.

"No Dean we can't just... who did that? The only thing that's changed is your dad. Did your dad do that Dean?" Cas practically begged, grasping Dean's face in his hands and pressing his forehead to Dean's.

"I deserved it," Dean whispered hoarsely.

Cas swallowed visibly and pressed his forehead harder into Dean's as tears slid down his pale cheeks. The look in his eyes was just so sad and Dean hated it because he had been the cause of it. He had to wipe that look away so he put his own hands on Cas' cheeks and wiped away the tears before kissing Cas gently.

"I'm sorry Cas, I promise it won't happen again," Dean told him, starting to kiss down Cas' jaw before the boy jerked away.

"Sorry? You're sorry Dean?" Cas looked at him incredulously and Dean felt his stomach drop. The bruises were obviously a turn off for the guy and if Dean couldn't give him that...

"Yeah Cas, look we can just keep my shirt on and next time my Dad's drunk I won't be in the same room and we can just you know, carry on," Dean pleaded, stepping forward, cupping Cas' jaw.

Cas was shaking his head, tears still streaming and Dean didn't know what to do. He had said everything he could do, if he put the shirt back on and Cas didn't press on the bruises then he could pretend that they didn't exist. In that moment Dean felt so helpless at not being able to do anything to cheer up his soulmate.

"You think I don't like the look of them or something? Putting your shirt on won't make them disappear Dean!" Cas half yelled.

Dean could feel himself pale as he stepped back, biting his lip nervously as he bent down and grabbed his t-shirt from the ground. Pulling it back down over his head Dean turned around and started to make his way out of the clearing before Cas once more grabbed him and spun him around.

"Where are you going?" he asked hoarsely.

"I- back to the Impala to take you home?" Dean said although it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Why Dean?"

"You don't want to fuck me like this so I thought you'd want to go home. I didn't- I thought that would be what you wanted," Dean sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He didn't know anymore. He didn't know what to do, what was right, he always got it wrong.

"No. Is this- is this fucking to you Dean. You just want to have me close for sex and when I don't want it because you're hurt- by your own father may I add- then you want to cart me off!" Cas cried.

For a moment Dean just looked at him with mouth hanging open before he realised himself and then he couldn't help but snort out a laugh. How could Cas ever think that? And then suddenly it wasn't funny anymore because Dean had obviously been doing this thing all wrong if Cas thought that he was in this for the sex. God how must that make the poor, beautiful boy feel if he thought his soulmate, the only guy he had ever slept with, was only in it for the sex.

"Cas... I, no. No Cas never. Please don't ever think that of yourself. You're so beautiful and kind and smart. You care and you're funny and you're everything Cas. You're my soulmate and I wouldn't care if we never had sex I would still want to be here," Dean implored, stepping forward with his hand reached out just a bit away from his soulmate, not wanting to quite touch, not sure if he was allowed.

"Then what you think that I'm only here for the sex," Cas practically spat.

The way he said it caught Dean off guard. Maybe he had put the charm on really well although he sometimes wasn't trying with Cas, Cas saw the real thing- or as much as Dean could allow.

"No, no course not," Dean replied quietly.

"Yeah that was convincing. Then again you think you deserve this beating from the man that's meant to provide for you and your brother, to protect you," Cas spoke and this time it was gentle again.

He pulled Dean into a hug and Dean let him, burying his face into Cas' neck, breathing in. Cas calmed him down, just the smell of him, the warmth of him. It was stupid how quickly the guy was becoming the centre of his world, having a soulmate was strange.

"You hate yourself don't you?" Cas asked quietly after a moment. Dean froze in his arms but didn't answer and that must have been enough to tell Cas everything because the boy sighed into Dean's hair and started rubbing circles on his back.

"I don't hate you," he said quietly, moving slightly so that he said it into Dean's ear, "I love you. I love you so much."

Those words struck home and broke him. They opened the floodgates and Dean found himself crying into Cas' shirt. The boy loved him, Dean had made that happen. Maybe it was whole bond thing but Cas didn't have to say that if he didn't feel it and boy did it feel good.

It felt so good.

"God Cas I love you too," Dean replied brokenly, clutching tighter at Cas' shoulders, never wanting to let go.


	14. Promise Me

  Damn Cas loved him. He'd said it and Dean, idiotic as he was, said it in return, he'd told Cas that he loved him, he'd cried in his arms. All that concluded with Dean being a weak and horrible person, he knew that he was gonna have to leave and that he was a screw up and yet he had hung around Cas to the point where the boy thought that he loved him. Sure Dean definitely loved Cas back but Cas was the kind of person that anyone would have to love, didn't mean he had to go say it like some promise of commitment.

   _You need to tell me when your/ if your dad hurts you again_  Dean saw as he looked down after feeling that familiar tingle.

  He was lying in his bed, bedside light on as he just sat there staring and thinking, it meant that he was in private and it meant that he could react. Only he didn't know how he wanted to react, only that he so wanted to grab a pen and write back but he couldn't. This had gone too far, it had gone too far the very first time that he had hugged the other boy and now here they were having sex on the regular and professing their love not to mention listening to Dean's stupid sob stories.

  The words were full of worry when Dean deserved the bruises, Cas just didn't understand he had these rose tinted glasses that said just because Dean was Cas' soulmate that meant that he had to be perfect. Not anymore. No Dean had to make Cas hate him now so that when Dean left he would be glad, he would never want to speak to Dean again, he would be safe, all his future fantasies would replace Dean with a better guy.

  Boy did those thoughts hurt. The selfish part of him wanted to reply to the message on his arm but Dean had always been good at ignoring that part of himself- it was something he actually prided himself on.

***

   It had been two weeks and John had gone the day before promising only to be gone a couple of days. He had only hit Dean once more in all that time and in all that time Dean had managed to refrain from answering whenever Cas wrote on his arms. It became hard quickly when the messages became more and more desperate, things like 

_Please Dean answer me_

_Are you okay?_

_Has your dad hurt you?_

_Please what did I do wrong?_

_Why aren't you in school Dean, have you left?_

  All of that sent his way over the days, the words felt like they were burning their way through his skin into his soul. Then there was the drawings, the first one was the forest and the second was... it was one of Dean, it looked just like him and it had taken him nearly two hours to complete and Dean sat there and watched him the entire time. It had been amazing, his soulmate was so talented and beautiful and his... no not anymore, Dean wasn't worthy of that.

  He hadn't been to school since he last saw Cas, knew that he wouldn't be able to avoid the boy in the corridors because his soulmate was just so stubborn. The blue eyed boy had never actually been to Dean's house, had no idea where he lived and that now worked in his favour because he was sure Cas would have tried to visit if he had.

  It wasn't like he had been doing nothing skipping school, Dean had found extra work in a cafe on the other side of town with his fake ID proclaiming that he was eighteen- it wasn't like he didn't look it. The extra money was a god send, it meant that he could stow some away in his meagre savings. It was something that he had started only last year when Sam had turned eleven, he had always been smart and Dean knew that in seven years he would want to go off to college. College cost money and Dean would need to start saving now.

***

  Dean pulled up in the school car park as he had every day to pick up Sam. The kid didn't actually know that he had been skipping, he would probably just look at Dean with that disappointed look that he had no idea hurt so much. Getting out and leaning against the side of his baby the teen waited nervously- as always worried that this would be the day Cas would spot them.

  When the kids started pouring out of school Dean looked around for his brother, the kid had distinct floppy hair and wasn't exactly the shortest even though he wasn't quite Dean's height-  something that meant Dean still had teasing rights. Eventually he spotted him chatting to his friend Jess, a sight that brought a smile to his face, and then the boy was there.

  "Have a good day Sammy?" he asked, ruffling the boy's hair as he got close enough.

  "It's Sam and yes thank you Dean," came the reply.

  "Dean!" came an all too familiar voice.

  Looking up, Dean felt the blood drain from his face as non other than his soulmate came striding up. He felt Sam's curious look but he couldn't care less, turning and trying to get into the Impala to drive away only to have Cas grab his arm before he could.

  "We need to talk," he said firmly. God this guy never did give up.

  "Hey Dean I'm gonna walk, talk with your friend," Cas said before walking off.

  Dean watched him go with a tight jaw before he looked back at Cas. He gestured for Cas to follow him as he got into the Impala, starting up as soon as the other closed his door. The two of them didn't say a word as Dean drove, parking up outside the forest. They didn't talk until they had reached their clearing.

  "Why the hell have you been ignoring me? What did I do?" Cas turned to him straight away with pleading eyes that broke his heart.

  "You fell in love with me," Dean told him after a moment, voice thick as he tried to push the emotions down.

  "I... what? We're soulmates Dean! You said you loved me too!" Cas cried.

  "Yeah I do with your stupid eyes and heart but you- you're not meant to fall in love back!" Dean yelled.

  "We're soulmates! Why can't I fall in love with you? You're it for me, you're my future and you're perfect so of course I love you!" Cas yelled back.

  "I'm not your future Cas. When I leave I am never coming back you get me? Never. You have your American Pie life with some other guy because I will be gone," Dean said, quietly this time. 

  Cas stopped then and stared, mouth open.

  "You... but you said you love me. Why would you want to leave me?" Cas asked and it was so broken, in fact there were tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. Shit.

  "I'm no good Cas. You don't get it. I'm just no good," Dean confessed. This would make him understand.

  It didn't apparently. Cas stepped forward and grabbed his face before kissing him softly.

  "You're my soulmate. Fate has linked us, you are quite literally perfect to me, for me. You're not no good Dean and I don't want you so ever even think that. Just... just promise me that you won't ever just leave. Please Dean I mean it, it would destroy us both," Cas murmured against his lips.

  "Shit," Dean breathed, he couldn't believe this was happening, he'd tried so hard.

  "Promise me," Cas pressed.

  "O-okay, I, shit okay I promise Cas," Dean whispered back. 

 


	15. Angel

  It was... okay for three months. John Winchester had returned within a few days of his last departure and Dean felt like he was breaking apart at the seams where he tried to hide the existence of his soulmate. In fact he was still shocked that Sam hadn't worked out who his soulmate was seeing as how freakishly smart his little brother was. It was a trait that Dean was so proud of, something so far from himself, and he would do everything in his power to let Sammy use that brain to get to better places.

  Thing was, John hit him a lot in those months and every hit and every word had Dean doubting himself all over again. Any other time he would have classed those months as shit because John was always there and he was never always there, not for that long at least. Only thing that dragged Dean back was Cas. He had settled into the fact that Cas was a romantic and that he would always want Dean around, Dean may as well have the decency to be good to him. He tried, he tried to hide the pain.

  Most times that they would meet up Dean would have a new bruise, one time he even had a pair of gashes down his side from a broken beer bottle. Dean had sewn that one up himself because no way in hell was he going to let Sammy see that, it had bled a lot and had scared Dean. Hurt like a son of a bitch when he had had to pull pieces of glass out. At first Cas had cried and it was the most horrible thing that Dean had ever seen; his soulmate crying over the pain that he deserved.

  Cas being the big hearted soul that he was would always insist that Dean strip off his shirt whenever they met so he could catalogue all the new injuries and no doubt build up a hatred for John. The first few times Dean had made jokes about how eager Cas was to undress him but he soon stopped those because they only seemed to make his soulmate sadder. He would always go up to Dean and run a soft finger, so lightly Dean could barely feel it, over whatever bruise or blemish John had left. He cried the first dozen or so times but he seemed to realise how much that hurt Dean and in the end he just looked sad. In some ways that was worse.

  They would always fuck slow and soft when Dean had a new injury- which was often- in the clearing most often, sometimes the Impala. Dean came to think of it as making love rather than fucking, something that was planted in his head after Cas himself had said it- the stupid sappy sod. He would kiss Dean and caress his face- look deep into his eyes and they would get lost together there. Somethings- more often than not these days- they wouldn't have sex at all rather just lie there together. Whatever they were doing Cas always made him feel loved. It was an amazing feeling and Dean revelled in it. Often he found himself thinking that it was quite literally saving his life.

  Other than that there was one really good thing about his dad's abuse and that was a way to cover the scars. Sure quite a few of the ugly blemishes on his skin were left by the Winchester patriarch but more were left by monsters and Dean never wanted Cas to find out about that. Partly because he wanted to keep Cas safe and away from that world and another more selfish part was because he didn't want Cas to freak on him and leave. 

  Those worries about monsters seemed so much further away these days however, this life he was leading with Cas... Dean had known his soulmate for almost a year now, summer was drawing back in and he had been in the same place and not seen a monster or hunted a monster in as long. Instead he was able to enjoy his time with his beautiful soulmate with blue eyes and eternal bedhead. His angel. That was what he had taken to calling him in his head. Angel. Because Cas was one, he had to be to put up with Dean and to be so good to him, so kind and pure. Plus Cas had drawn a lot of awesome and gorgeous angels on his arms.

  It was when he was getting back from meeting his soulmate that Sam confronted him. Dean had entered the house quietly just in case, he was pretty sure he had a couple of broken ribs and he didn't need any more damage right now. John didn't appear to be up though but his brother was, as soon as Dean closed the door behind him he jumped up off of the sofa and bounded up to him. It was amazing how much his brother had grown in the last year, now he was so much more of a shaggy puppy than he had been- something which Dean definitely teased him about.

  "Dad's passed out in his room," his brother told him.

  "Thanks Sammy," Dean gave a half smile and patted his brother on the shoulder. He sure was tired and he was grateful that he wouldn't have to run into his dad before he could curl up in bed.

  "Sam, Dean. Anyhow how was your soulmate?" Sam grinned cheekily.

  Dean sputtered and swung back around to face him. Soulmate, shit he'd never told Sammy that he was meeting his soulmate. That clever bastard... of course he worked it out.

  "Soulmate, Sammy no I-"

  "Cut the shit Dean. I know you've been meeting him," Sammy shot back, hands on hips.

  "Language Sammy- wait he? No Sam I-"

  "Dean I don't care if you're soulmate's a dude," Sam whisper yelled back, cutting him off again.

  "Sam seriously-" 

  "Dean seriously. I know you're soulmate it Castiel Novak."

  "How?" Dean got out weakly.

  "Cause I'm not stupid and don't look at me like that I'm not going to tell anyone," Sam replied, Dean's face was obviously showing his fear.

  "Okay. Okay," Dean got out shakily.

  "If it's anything I'm really glad you two found each other. Don't screw it up," Sam said over his shoulder as he made his way upstairs.

  "Thanks Sammy," Dean whispered long after his little brother was gone. Strangely instead of panic, he felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.


	16. Last Day

  It had been a year, one month and three days Dean knew- sue him, meeting your soulmate didn't happen everyday- when John finally informed them that they would be leaving the next day. Dean and Sam had both just nodded and left to start packing as if it didn't mean anything but it did. It meant everything. It meant Dean's entire world because that's what Cas had become over the past year. The stupid boy was Dean's saving grace these days. Now what the hell was he supposed to do?

  Walking up the stairs Sam gave him a sad look full of pity that Dean didn't want or need. It just made him speed up, closing this bedroom door harder than he had intended. Once in the safety and privacy of the room, he threw himself face first down on the bed and took a long moment to gather himself. No way in hell could he cry right now with his dad in the same house.

  Eventually he pushed himself up onto his knees and reached out for the pen that lived on his bedside table. He had made Cas and promise and he had to keep it. Even if he was leaving he wouldn't try to cut his soulmate off. Anyhow he needed to see his angel before he had to leave him. Who knows when he would see the boy again?

   ** _I'm leaving tomorrow._**  He simply put.

  After a long moment of waiting- one of the longest freaking moments of his life- the tingling on his arm started and he looked down to see the reply.  _When can we meet?_

 ** _Now I guess. We aren't leaving till the morning._**  Damn his grammar had improved since he had started writing with Cas.

***

  They drove in silence to their place, the sun was low in the sky so everything was painted yellows and oranges. It was all very beautiful and calm... it didn't fit at all with how Dean was feeling. He felt hollow even though he was sat right next to his soulmate. 

  "Come on Dean," Cas said softly after they had parked up and just sat there for a good while.

  With that they walked through the trees to their place, hand in hand and as silent as before. Even when they got there Dean just slumped down in the grass and Cas sat beside him, pulling him close with an arm around the shoulder. Dean happily went, wrapping his arms back around Cas and burying his face in Cas' chest. He was okay with showing weakness in front of the other boy now, it had taken time but now he could and he was glad, it was a time that he found he needed.

  Then he found that he was crying, soft sobs into Cas' shirt, feeling tears dripping into his hair and the shudders as Cas began to cry too. It was like that for a good while, the two of them just holding each other and crying. God what would his dad say if he saw Dean now? His weak faggot son crying into the arms of another boy. He would kill him for sure. 

  After a long while Cas pulled back and Dean straightened up to look at him, eyes locked, before they leaned in and met each other in a gentle kiss. They made out for an age before Cas gently pushed him down into the grass while draping himself over Dean completely.

"Can I?" Cas asked softly, hands moving to frame Dean's face.

  "Please," Dean got out, hating how broken it sounded.

  Cas smiled sadly down at him before they both started to strip, neither willing to move from their close position making the whole thing more than a little awkward. Finally though they were both bare, normally that would be the time that Dean would rake his eyes down over his soulmate's gorgeous cut body but in that moment he couldn't bring himself to look away from Cas' eyes. That was the way it was as Cas prepped him and slid in, Cas held his face and he held Cas' as they rocked together. Tears were openly pouring down Dean's face but he couldn't care less because tomorrow he wouldn't have this any more. Cas was crying too, the tears falling down onto Dean's face and mixing with his own tears in a morbidly beautiful way.

  The slow pace kept them going a while but once they had both quietly finished Cas collapsed down against Dean's chest where he was able to wrap his arms around the dark haired boy.

  "Promise to draw me loads of beautiful things Cas," Dean whispered hoarsely after a moment. At some point they had both stopped crying, tears now drying- Dean wasn't too sure when though.

  "I promise Dean just... just promise me that you'll always reply, you won't try to stay away," Cas replied softly into Dean's chest.

  "Damn, well I suppose if I have to," Dean joked halfheartedly.

  "I mean it Dean. Promise," Cas told him sternly, rising up on his elbows to look down at him again.

  "I promised you that before remember and I'll promise you again. I'll promise to stick by that promise okay Cas cause you're my world now. You and Sammy are everything to me," Dean returned, sober, running his hands over Cas' cheeks.

  "Good because you are my world now too Dean," Cas whispered back, "I love you."

  The brunette stressed the last three words, leaning down to press his forehead against Dean's so that they were as close together as possible while still remaining eye contact.

  "I love you too Cas," Dean returned.

***

  The next day as he loaded his, Sam's and John's belongings into the Impala and John's truck, he went over the words of his last face to face conversation with his soulmate, taking comfort in them. They had stayed lying together in the grass for a long time before Dean had dropped Cas back home the night before. Their last kiss had been soft and full of love. Dean had driven off, parked up and cried for a good while after.

  Now though he was getting into the Impala with Sam beside him in the passenger seat. He pulled away following John, looking back at the house on last time through the rear view mirror.

  "Did you tell him you loved him?" Sam asked after about ten minutes of Dean's music blaring. The elder Winchester glanced at him out of the corner of his eye only to see that Sam was staring resolutely out of the window.

  "Yeah I told him," Dean confessed after a moments pause.

  "Good."


	17. Sammy's Sixteenth

  It had been three years since Dean had last seen Cas and yet, as he had promised, they had never fallen out of touch. They spoke, or rather wrote, every day and so Dean knew everything that was going on with Cas- as much as he could anyway. Cas for his part knew that Dean still stayed with John and Sam, moving around the country getting little jobs where he could. He didn't know that Dean's jobs often included back street fights, he still didn't know about the monsters. Cas himself had set up shop working with his brother Gabriel, Gabriel baked, Cas cooked and sold paintings on the side. It was something that the older brother had been working on around the time that Dean was leaving and was now very popular and doing well. Dean was so proud of his soulmate.

  Often at night Dean would stay awake staring at the ceiling and wishing for his soulmate, just his touch, smell, the sound of his voice, the sight of his blue eyes. There were studies that showed that soulmates would go mad with an extended time away from soulmates without contact, there were other studies that showed extended time without physical contact could put emotional strain on a pair. Depression was one side effect as well as headaches and migraines, he knew this because Cas had done the research. So far it had proven true, he didn't have severe depression but he certainly had moments where he didn't see the point and every smile was forced.

  It was nearing midnight now and Dean couldn't sleep. He knew as soon as the twelve am came Sam would come barrelling into his room with a pen ready to write his first message to his soulmate because at twelve he would become sixteen. Dean just hoped that Sam didn't find his soulmate too quickly or that when he did he would be able to just go and settle down with them, he would have some pretty girl that would marry him and they would have two point five kids. He couldn't have it like Dean did, like poor beautiful Cas did because it was hard and cruel, Sammy had experienced enough of that in his life.

  Sure enough twelve came and so did Sam. The teen didn't so much as knock before he came charging in, slumping down on Dean's bed over his legs and clicking on the bedside lamp in a sudden burst of light.

  "Dean I'm going to do it," Sam smiled giddily as he started to scribble on his arm.

  Dean watched him as he wrote the words down in the neat writing of his. He didn't need a soulmate that improved his grammar because Sammy was smart enough to do that on his own.

   _Hello, my name is Sam I'm 16 today_  he wrote.

  "Do you think it will take long for them to reply Dean? I mean it's midnight so they might not see it till morning," Sam asked, looking up straight at his older brother.

  "Nah she'll see it. It tingles when your soulmate writes a message," Dean reassured.

  "She? Um Dean I don't... I'm gay Dean. There's no way it'll be a girl," Sam confessed then, face bright red.

  Sam was into dudes too? His perfect brilliant little brother... he stopped thinking then. It was his stupid dad talking in his head. Cas had shown him that liking boys wasn't a sin or something evil.

  "So you don't like girls at all? I mean I remember Jess," Dean asked eventually.

  "No, she was just a friend, girls aren't my um... uh so I know you've got a guy so you're... you know too?" Sam stumbled across his words, showing his nerves as he kept glancing down at his arm.

  "I'm bisexual. Was kinda hoping to have a girl cause well Dad but I'm glad I've got my soulmate," Dean told him, it felt weird; he'd never talked about either his sexuality or his soulmate to anyone before.

  "What... what's he like then? Only you never talk about him. I mean I understand that but... just what's it like?" Sam asked him then. He sounded shy, uncertain and vulnerable and it made Dean want to tell him everything. His little brother was a hopeless romantic that rested his whole future of love on his soulmate.

  "He's amazing. The best thing that ever happened to me outside of you. I tried to push him away because, well I'm an asshole but he kept coming back. We um... we had this spot just for us that was beautiful and safe. I could... I could be myself with him, he made everything with Dad bearable because he would just hold me if I needed it or... well I felt comfortable having a million chick flick moments with him. So he's special and your guy will be special as well so don't worry," Dean told him. His chest felt tight and it hurt to speak about how good Cas was to him, he missed it so much.

  Sam sat there for a while watching him, not even glancing down at his arm again as his eyes flicked over his brother's face.

  "You really miss him don't you?" he asked quietly.

  "Everyday. It's why when you find yours don't be an idiot like me. You're too good for this life anyway so you get out and go to your man okay," Dean told him sternly.

  "Okay Dean... Oh oh Dean!" Sammy started up.

   _Hey Sam I'm Gabriel. You can call my Gabe, it's nice to finally hear from you :)_ was written out on his arms under Sam's writing.

  Gabriel... holy crap that wasn't a very common name. The only thing that he could think of was the sweet loving bakery owner that stood up for his little brother against Dean's asshole attitude all those years ago. That was impossible though. What were the odds of having two sets of siblings.

 "Novaks," he whispered involuntarily.

  "Novak?" Sam repeated, obviously having heard with that eagle hearing of his.

  "Um..." Dean tried but really couldn't think of anything to say.

  _Novak?  _Sam quickly scribbled down on his arm. The little shit.

  _ ** How did you know? **_Came the immediate response.

  "Dean?" Sam looked up at Dean confused and slightly startled.

  "Looks like my soulmate's older brother is your soulmate Sammy. Castiel and Gabriel Novak," Dean smiled mirthlessly. 

  "Castiel? That's the name of your soulmate? Wow. They're brothers... wow," Sam replied slack jawed.

  After a moment he took the pen to his arm again.  _My brother is Dean Winchester. He's your brother Castiel's soulmate._

 ** _Holy hell that is cool Sammy_  **he got back after a moment later.

  "Great a brother and a soulmate who refuse to know my name is Sam," Sammy huffed making Dean burst out laughing. This was going to be good.

     _ **Hey so Cas, Gabe's finally got a soulmate. My brother.**_  Dean wrote.

 _Well that was unexpected_  came the reply a moment later.

_**You're telling me.** _


	18. Help

  Sam and Dean messaged their soulmates together a lot after Sam's sixteenth. Cas had raved for days over the fact that they were two sets of brothers, he'd also told Dean about how down hearted his brother had been getting. Gabriel was twenty two, a full six years older than Sam and in those six years since Gabe had turned sixteen he had not had a word. Dean couldn't really imagine that, it had only been a couple of months between Dean turning sixteen and Cas. 

 It was only four months after Sam's birthday when they both got the same message.  _Help_. Dean got it about five seconds before Sam did. At the time the pair were sat around the table of the current house they were staying at, John away on a job.

  "Dean?" Sam looked up panicked only for Dean to look up and match that reaction.

  _At the old mill outside town. It's got us_  Dean's arm got

  _ **It's not human Sam**_  Sammy got on his.

  "Sam got your shoes and coat now!" Dean barked, practically throwing himself out of his seat.

***

  Eighty miles an hour was the average as the brothers sped off back to the home town of their soulmates. It was tense and almost painful with panic, neither one saying a word as they went.  _It wasn't human_ , that was what Sam had had on his arm. It was some monster that was disrupting their soulmates' normal lives. It was a monster that was endangering their soulmates, Dean had thought that if he kept Cas away from their life then he would be safe, he had never thought that the life would find Cas. How stupid. Dean wasn't there to protect him, if Cas died then it was all on Dean.

  His knuckles were white on the steering wheel as he tried to keep himself under control. He drove for hours without stopping and rarely dipped below seventy until they were nearing their destination. Finally, after what seemed an age, they entered the town. Dean knew where the old mill was on the other side of town from where they had lived before, had gone exploring there once on one of the days where he couldn't stomach the thought of school.

  Parking up at the mill the two got out of the car swiftly and opened up the boot to reveal all of the weapons stored there.

  "Grab a machete and a gun with silver bullets Sammy. We don't know what's in there," Dean instructed, doing just that and grabbing a torch along with it.

  Carefully they made their was into the building, having decided to stick together in the face of the unknown. Creeping through the halls they suddenly heard voices, muffled and indistinct but voices. They followed them, stalking closer and closer silently until they came upon their target room. 

  Quickly turning off his torch and gesturing for Sam to do the same, he crept around to glance through the doorway to where he hoped to see the Novak brothers. Sure enough there they were, the two and another girl chained up, dirty and scared but otherwise looking unharmed and mercifully alive. There was also three men in the room, one stood and stalked over to one of his friends allowing Dean to see his yellow eyes.

  "Werewolves, three," Dean mouthed, Sam nodding his understanding before Dean gestured for them to move.

  Whipping round the corner, Sam and Dean immediately started shooting, Dean taking down one and Sam another not long after. The third charged at his brother getting closer and making it impossible to get a clean shot. Beheading worked just as well on werewolves as it did on vampires so Dean drew the machete and lopped the son of a bitch's head clean off.

  In the aftermath Dean ran straight over to his soulmate, hands grabbing at his face, the one he hadn't seen in over three years, and took him in. He looked okay, he looked even hotter than he did as a seventeen year old, but harm wise find. More than a little traumatised though. The chains that held him were padlocked so Dean quickly pulled out his lock picking set and unlocked it. Only as he finished pulling the chains off did Cas speak.

  "You just killed them Dean. Like it was nothing," he said hoarsely. It was painful hearing those accusatory words out of his mouth, the first words he had heard from Cas in years.

  "They were werewolves Cas. Werewolves kill people, they were going to kill you. Have to kill them first," Dean muttered, moving onto the girl as Sam undid Gabriel, both looking at each other in reverence.

  "Dean," Cas grabbed Dean's arm after everyone was free, "werewolves aren't real."

  "You telling me you didn't see that they weren't human?" Dean asked him in response.

  "I... holy shit. How did you... how did you know about them?" Cas breathed.

  Dean looked to Sam and then at Gabriel. Both of them were looking to Dean too. Great, Dean's job to explain everything.

  "Basically all the monsters and everything in lore that you hear about are real. Me and Sam know because we are hunters, we kill the things that go bump in the night just like our dad does. It's why we move around," Dean got out, never looking away from Cas.

  "Shit so vampire are real? Like Twilight is real? Our world is suddenly a very dark place," Gabriel snorted.

  "Yeah no, vampires ain't like those sparkly shits in Twilight," Dean responded with an eye roll.

***

  Hours later Dean was curled up with Cas in his bed in his own apartment, the two had been wrapped up for an age after they had finished reacquainting themselves with the other's body. Dean and Sam had explained everything about their life and hunting to the Novak brothers and the girl who was a waiter from their cafe called Hannah. In the end Gabriel had wanted time to get to know Sam and Cas had just wanted to bring Dean off with him.

  The Winchester knew that Cas was still trying to process the whole new world thing but at least he wasn't turning away from Dean like he was a monster for what he did. In fact, Dean got to lie there as his soulmate fell asleep in his arms after years apart. They hadn't ever really slept in a bed together and now they were, they were together and Dean would never let Cas go again.

  "Love you Cas," he whispered into his sleeping soulmate's hair.  


	19. Normal Life

  It turns out that the two Novak brothers were more than a little proud of their cafe which they showed to the Winchesters the day after they arrived and saved them. That night Dean had kissed and licked all over Cas' body reveling on how much more muscle his soulmate had, how he had sharper edges. It had been amazing to fall asleep in his soulmates arms in a bed for the first time ever and it made Dean crave more, a normal life with his soulmate.

  Waking up next to Cas and eating breakfast together was beautifully ordinary, they had toast and coffee sat at Cas' kitchen table. The entire time Dean couldn't stop staring, taking in the matured features of his soulmate. When they walked down to the cafe they walked hand in hand in daylight, proud and together. Gabriel had texted Cas to come down and Cas had been gushing about the place the whole way down which Dean loved, his soulmate was so cute when he got excited or passionate about something. He couldn't help but stare as the other man-and it was weird to think of him like that as he had been a boy last he saw him- as he animatedly told Dean about their store.

  It was as they were reaching the cafe Sam and Gabriel came into view already waiting for them outside. His brother was leaning into his soulmate's side with the shorter man wrapping an arm around Sam's waist. That brought up thoughts about what that greasy little man may have been doing to his little brother in the night that had just passed. The night where Dean hadn't been there because he was too busy having his brains fucked out by Cas. Crap... he was a lousy brother.

  "Hey you better not have done anything indecent to my brother Gabriel!" Dean called, not sure how to take it when Sammy turned red.

  "Yeah like you and my brother just cuddled," Gabriel snorted in return.

  "Sammy?" Dean questioned with raised eyebrow.

  "Dean-" Sam started.

  "Look Deano I have decency, no sexy times before at least date three," Gabriel cut through raising a placating hand.

  "It's okay Dean we just talked and got to know each other," Sam confirmed.

   Dean just nodded tightly and glanced over at Cas only to see the fucker smirking at him, naturally Dean responded by flipping him off- something that got Gabriel laughing at least.

  The tour around the cafe was amazing and Dean felt so much pride seeing what his and his brother's soulmates had achieved. The whole place was wonderful, warm and welcoming, the smell of food coming from the kitchen permeating the air and creating a heavenly scent.  Gabriel lead them through to the kitchen and Cas turned to Dean with a huge grin.

  "You still love pie?" he asked Dean.

  "As sure as I'm breathing!" Dean retorted making Sam snort.

  "A pie lover Deano? Well here we are," Gabriel grinned, whipping out a slice of pie seemingly from nowhere.

  Without hesitation Dean took the plate and then a bite, groaning in pleasure as the taste really hit. It was without a doubt the best pie that he had ever had and he was suddenly very glad that Sammy had this man for a soulmate.

  "This is amazing. Sammy keep your soulmate around I mean it," Dean commented, pointing a Sam with his fork and making his little brother roll his eyes.

  After finishing the pie though Cas dragged him away from the other two, fingers wound through his. Dean watched his soulmate as the other man practically buzzed with excitement as he led Dean away from the main shop towards the back. Opening the destined door Dean was finally able to see what Cas was so excited to show him and his jaw dropped.

  He stepped slowly into Cas' art studio and looked at all of the paintings around him. There was many pictures that he was obviously commissioned of people's pets and families but then there was one corner that really caught Dean's eyes. The hunter walked almost reverently over and picked up a painting of... of himself lying in the grass of their clearing. It was gorgeous and spot on, the light and the colours so vivid and real... There were more paintings as well and charcoal sketches of Dean and paintings of their forest through the seasons. There was even one of the Impala. After gazing for a long time at them all he found his favourite by far. It was one looking down on both himself and Cas as teens like they were back then in the grass, hair spread around their heads and hands joined, small smiles on their face.

  "What do you think Dean?" his soulmate asked softly behind them.

  Turning, Dean took Cas' face in his hands and looked down at the man once more watching for all the changes in the features since he was younger. He moved his hands down then, slowly down Cas' neck, over his shoulders and then down his arms until he was able to wind his fingers through Cas' again. He looked down at the hands in his own, at the clever fingers that had painted such wonderful things.

  "I think it's all amazing. I can't believe how beautiful and talented my soulmate is," Dean told him quietly, gazing into those eyes and watching as they lit up when a smile stretched Cas' face at the praise.

  "Thank you Dean," he replied, smile still in place. 

  "So are you okay Cas? After all that happened and all that we told you?" Dean asked after a moment, hating to ruin the mood but needing to know.

  "Yeah um... I feel kinda terrified and... Dean please don't leave again. I know what you do to save people but please don't leave," Cas whispered brokenly after a moment.

  "Oh Cas," Dean breathed, feeling his heart break, "I promise. I'd love nothing more than to stay here and have a normal life with you."

  "Yeah, you promise?" Cas asked still quiet as he leaned his forehead against Dean's.

  "Yeah Cas, promise. Made good on the one that I made before didn't I and I'll keep this one too," Dean reassured.

  "Love you."

  "Love you too Cas," Dean replied before leaning in for a gentle kiss. He was rather looking forward to keeping this promise.


	20. Worthy

  So sue them their life wasn't  _the_  life with hunting and monsters anymore in fact it was a damn sight more normal than they had ever been before. Gabriel had taught Dean all of his trade secrets when it came to baking and Dean had left his job at the garage when both Sam and Gabriel moved down to California when his little brother got into Stanford. Dean didn't think he'd ever been as proud as when Sam showed him that acceptance letter. If they hadn't have settled down Dean thought that his brother may have still made it but it wouldn't have been as easy for the Sasquatch.   

  Now it was him and Cas in the cafe and Dean had to say that he had become a bit of a pro in the kitchen both baking and cooking, his food went down well with the customers and more importantly Cas anyway. Cas would often help out, more with the cooking and baking, and they had a couple of waiters and waitresses. Most of the time Cas would sit and sketch Dean, at first he had thought it a bit disconcerting but now he was used to it, it had been four years since Sam and Dean had rescued their soulmates from those werewolves after all.

  In that moment Dean was sat up naked in their bed with the covers only up to his knees. He was worn out, Cas was _very_  good in bed and they had gone three rounds that morning. At that point Dean was looking through his phone, only half conscious of his soulmate sat in the chair a little way away sketching his body. That notebook with full of his drawings of the hunter and nothing else and they were very good even if they made him blush. 

  After he had first seen the paintings in the studio and Cas had started sketching him he had been embarrassed and then slightly mortified when he had seen just how regularly Cas was drawing him. The Winchester hadn't understood it at first, hadn't for a long time, but now he knew it was because Cas liked his body. Sure he guessed that drawing his scars must be interesting but then... well he wasn't going to argue. 

  Putting the phone down, having finished catching up with Sam, he looked over to where Cas was still sat, glancing up at him and then down at the book again. Making to get up Dean got a look of warning and promptly sat down again knowing that it was best just to wait this out. It was his own fault for settling in such a position.

  "You better not ever show anyone this book with you drawing my junk so much Cas," Dean warned.

  "Can't help that Dean, I'm fond of your junk," Cas replied calmly without stopping.

  "What happened to my sweet sixteen year old virgin?" Dean snorted playfully.

  "Well seeing as sweet sixteen year old virgin me was eight years ago I would say I grew up. Also you happened Dean Winchester," Cas replied, once again not losing concentration.

  That just made Dean laugh because true Dean did come along and teach his man the wonders of sex. Eight years though... five of those together. It was a long time and yet Dean had loved every moment. He would get Cas for the rest of his life and he was definitely looking forward to that as long as the other man didn't get tired of him as a lover- it wasn't unheard of and knowing Dean's luck...

***

  At the cafe, Cas disappeared into his studio as he did some days while Dean headed off to the kitchen, lighting everything up and getting ready for another day. His boyfriend had been more quiet than usual on the walk over but he chose not to think anything of it as he had been fine that morning.

  Through the day though when he only saw Chris, Andrew and Cassidy the staff on duty, he did begin to wonder. Although Cas was fine with Dean coming into the studio while he was working he tended and today wasn't going to be different. Cas would either be too focused on a project or would get distracted from it by Dean and then distracted from Dean by the painting in a rather painfully annoying circle for both of them. He would just wait for that cute face to show on it's own.

  It did eventually when Dean was about to go and get him after everyone had gone home and he had cleaned up ready to close up. The dark haired man looked rather flustered for some reason so Dean just smiled and pecked him chastely on the lips before offering him a hand.

  "Dean wait," he spoke as Dean made to leave.

  "Cas?"

  "Come with me," Cas replied, pulling him back to the studio.

  Opening the door, he let Dean go in first, the sight before him stopped him dead. This was why Cas had disappeared all day. The walls were all draped with red materials of different shades, the light was also covered with a thin material giving off a red glow. All of his paints had been tidied away and in it's place were canvases, eleven in total, all painted with the two of them in different places and times. At the very centre of the back wall was a banner and that was the thing that really caught his eye and stopped his heart. _Marry me?_ it read.

  "Cas?" Dean whispered but when he turned Cas was on his knees a ring held in his fingers.

  The blond had to turn away quickly from the sight to cover the tears in his eyes but when he turned he was faced with the room again. Why? Sure they were soulmates but that wasn't a legally binding thing. Why would Cas-

  "Dean?" Cas asked quietly. He'd stood and now he was in front of Dean with his hand on Dean's shoulder.

  The taller hid his face in his hands and collected himself before he looked up to see his soulmate stood there looking scared and insecure. Oh hell he must think that Dean was rejecting him. The thought was absurd, who would ever give up something so perfect?

  "I love you Cas, so much, but this is permanent or at least until divorce which are always long, hard and difficult," Dean told him.

  "You think this'll end with divorce?" Cas looked even more heartbroken and Dean hated it," why would you think that?"

  In answer, Dean pointed to himself and Cas' eyes widened as if in realisation. Good. Now he would reconsider, he much have lost himself in this wonderful preparation and forgotten exactly who it was that he was doing it for.

  "You still don't think you're worthy of my love even after all these years do you?" Cas breathed and no that wasn't what he was meant to think. Before he could open his mouth though Cas continued, "You are Dean. You are worthy I promise. You are perfect for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to marry me and I want it to end with death do us part."

  Dean stared at him for a long moment before he took Cas' face in his hands and pressed his forehead to his. Yeah okay what they had had been good, great, amazing, excellent and it had been for four solid years. Maybe Dean wouldn't screw this up, he'd had a good trial period at least.

  "Okay," he breathed.

  "Okay," Cas grinned in return.


	21. John's Wrong

  When Dean had called Sam months ago to tell him his news, Sam had teased Dean over the proposal and how he was living a chick flick but then congratulated him sincerely. It had now been four months since Cas' wonderful proposal and four months since Dean had really began to see that Cas actually loved him and loved him because he was Dean. The thought and the feeling was wonderful and Dean couldn't wait for their wedding.

  It was a total of ten months after Cas had proposed that they actually sat down to discus moving further than the fiancee stage. They planned it all out, a small ceremony in a small church. They wrote out their invites- Cas' hoards of siblings and Dean's one- and found two cheap suits on eBay and Dean knew Cas would look hot in his- not that he was bias. The pair decided they would just go to the cafe after and would just get Sammy to take a photo. 

  They had done all of this in a morning. Quite a crazy morning. It was the first time that Cas had ever written a message to Dean on their skin while still in his presence.  _Marry me?_ And Dean had smiled and knew what he was asking about. They had done everything with on their laptop in bed before anything else, teeth brushing or even coffee, just boxers and linen. It was why Cas had fallen asleep straight after, worn out by the rapid planning. 

  Dean had left his soulmate and fiancee sprawled out asleep in their bed deciding that he would go and get some pastries from the cafe seeing as they wouldn't be going in their to work and they hadn't had breakfast. As it turns out this was a pretty damn bad idea because he ran into the last person he would ever hope to in the streets. John Winchester.

  It had been almost five years since Sam and Dean had dropped their old lives. Sure their dad was never there but Dean had sent one last message to their father telling him that they were fine and not to worry but they were leaving the life to settle down before he destroyed all his many phones. Five years ago. 

  At first Dean had actually had nightmares about the man finding them and taking out his anger on them for abandoning the cause but Dean couldn't help not feel guilty about leaving behind the chase for the yellow eyed demon. John had been hunting the thing since Dean had been four, sixteen years before Dean had given up. Sure he loved his mother but she was a woman he barely remembered and even he knew that there was a point where you had to move on. The nightmares had been about John coming back to show Dean his place, beat him for being a fag and giving up on his mother. He knew that Cas remembered the bruises and saw the scars every time he was naked with Dean and he had comforted the ex-hunter. Had understood.

  It had been years though and he had gotten over the nightmares and fear, had put John and the hard years of childhood far, far behind him. Yet there the man was in the street, right in front of Dean under the sun in Dean's home town. Shit.

  "Dean?" the man half said, half growled.

  "Hey Dad," Dean replied weakly just as the man surged forward and pulled him by his shirt into the nearest alley.

  The air was pushed out of Dean as he was slammed back against the wall and his dad's arm pressing into Dean's throat stopped him from getting a proper breath in again. For a moment the two men just stood there breathing heavily, John probably trying to control his anger while Dean was desperately trying to push down the building panic. 

  "Dad," Dean gasped out as he started seeing black spots.

  "Don't Dad me. You have no right, neither you nor your brother. You abandoned me, you abandoned the cause, you abandoned your mother!" John yelled, spittle flying into Dean's face and making him flinch.

  "We settled down with our soulmates just like Mom would have wanted," Dean growled back, finally finding his feet.

  It felt freeing fighting back. He had never fought back before but he had spent nearly half a decade free of John and had felt what it was like not to have to live in fear all the time.

  "Soulmates? Should have known you would have chosen some woman over your own mother!" John spat.

  "No  _John_. Not some woman. My soulmate. Besides Cas is a dude anyway," Dean replied. If he was going to do this he may as well do it right.

  "You're a fag?" John hissed, shoving himself away from Dean as if burned. 

  "Yeah I guess so," Dean smirked, loving and fearing the terrifying look of disgusted rage on his father's face.

  The smirk was wiped off a moment later as a fist connected with his face. In this part Dean felt that he couldn't fight back in, it was one thing to throw words at his dad, another to throw his fist. Besides in a fight with his father he knew he would lose. Instead he just took the hits because he knew that leaving his dad was a shit thing to do and leaving all of those people killed by monsters...

  "Piece of shit! I wish you were never born...

***

  Dean stumbled back into his and Cas' apartment without the pastries he wanted and instead with a black, swollen shut eye and colourful, painful ribs. He was going to have to face his soulmate about this he knew but first he had to sneak through and clean up some of the blood so that it didn't look quite so bad. Already he felt like a piece of shit... like his dad- no, nope not going there. He just didn't need to cause Cas undue concern.

  But he forgot that he was a Winchester. Just as he was making his way to the bathroom to clean up his soulmate came stumbling out of the bedroom only in those boxers with his eternal bedhead even more pronounced. He stopped dead as he couldn't sight of Dean and Dean's heart skipped a beat before he tried to just continued and tried to push past.

  Of course Cas had reached out and grabbed him, looking down he saw that he had gotten a smear of his blood on Cas' perfect pale skin, a sight that sent a pang through him. Five years and he was still broken and pushing his shit on his wonderful soulmate.

  "Dean?" It was quiet and cautious.

  "My dad," Dean whispered in return.

  He could feel Cas' eyes raking over him and he must have seen something in Dean's face because that was the only explanation for what he said next.

  "Whatever he said Dean, John's wrong okay? You never should doubt yourself again okay?" Cas implored.

  For a long moment Dean just stared. God how much effort had this beautiful man put into fixing him and his stupid self worth issues.

  "Okay Cas."

  Of course it wasn't that easy but he tried. It was easier after they were married because any time that he was struggling he would look at his husband or if his husband wasn't there then he would look at the ring. As the years went on though and John stayed away each day came easier for Dean to really see that John was indeed wrong and that he was worthy of his soulmate, husband and the love that came with it.

END


End file.
